​Have you noticed
how women worship with their bodies?
and how others 
are unkind?

Those tears at the feet
of the anointed one…
Bittersweet
mingling 
with rich perfume 
tended with kisses
pouring forth 
from alabaster
in total response
to Beauty

Hair unravelling
damp from caressing
unmindful who’s watching
this private 
act of Love

This woman:
pure in devotion 
absolving all
with a moment
of mystery
Vignette of passion
all but lost 
on those attending
Nothing of sense
for the mind

Did the women 
see it differently
absorbing silently
with their own bodies
her eternal darshan ?

And if you should see 
a woman
moved by guileless ecstasy
confounding 
your customs
and your heart
Will you join her in touching
the Kingdom?
with kisses 
and tears
hair flowing
love dissolving
in kind
-Mataji
​

We’re nearing the end of the year, and for many this is a time for reflection: on where they are, on where they are going, on how far they’ve come.


If this is you, I would like to suggest trying something a bit different this year (read all the way to the bottom)...


This year, don’t ‘learn’ any lessons.


Don’t learn anything.


Only breathe.


If you learn anything, learn to be deeply meditative. Become the observer of your life.


‘Learning’ implies judgement, that a greater wisdom is now achieved. It will get you so far, learning lessons, but even this kind of wisdom is linear, a part of the illusion of existence, the ‘before and after’ story you tell of yourself.


You are still identified with the ‘you’, not the I AM. The I AM always knows, always knew, always loved unconditionally.


What happens if you stop looking for meaning, for the moral of the story, for signs? Many people have accepted that there is no such thing as a ‘mistake’ in their life, only a learning, but what lies behind even that ‘learning’?


Just be. Just observe. Just allow.


If you are learning from the past, you are bringing the past into the present which means you are not being totally present. This is not the most empowering stance, because it does not allow you to enter into the magic space of self love. Complete self love is to accept the perfect imperfection that manifests as your life. You can honour the past, without feeling the need to react to it.


If you can’t release yourself from the past, how can you release yourself in the now, release yourself from fear of making mistakes? How can you release yourself from fear of negative repercussions or ‘punishment’ for ‘bad’ choices? You are the best you can be right now.


Don’t learn any ‘lessons’, but do learn to feel. Without reference to the past, what do you feel like doing today? Feel with your whole being rather than thinking with your mind. Feel with your toes. What wants to happen through you right now? Where is your compassion pointing? Dig deep. What is the highest compassion you can access?


Don’t learn any lessons. Start unlearning everything if you want to experience freedom. It’s the only way into the now and the power that lies therein. You AM. We AM. From this still point of observation, of unconditionality, what can you co-create?


Instead of the ‘life lesson’ paradigm, allow yourself to experience fully, let each experience penetrate your knowing, feel the pleasure, the pain without pushing it away, without judgement, denial or analysis. Let it seep into your consciousness with compassion. Once you’ve done this, you can let your now moment do the talking. If you are in presence, your choices will become more enlightened without needing to judge or ‘learn’. You will sooner or later feel like doing something slightly different. This is the quickest way to evolve your consciousness - without causing blockages of guilt, regret, condemnation and fear.


Let your experiences go without judgement or drama. If ‘negative’, thank them for being a part of your existence. Acknowledge the feelings moving through you, and refrain from analysing your choices. Why is it good or ‘bad’ in the first place? This is the portal into dissolving your karma, to accept your desires, your humanity without drama or punishment. No lessons learned, only service, only life, only being in the moment and observing gratitude.


If you unite yourself with the ONE in divine union instead of your individual little ‘me’, become the I AM, what can become of that little me? What can you do ‘wrong’ if you are in a state of compassion with the Lover, the Divine?


Don’t learn anything. Be faithful to the divine spark in you. Breathe, and ask yourself what you want to do now.


......


I remember writing this poem down during the summer, one hot day standing in the queue for the outdoor swimming pool on Jesus Green with my daughters. This was before the current shift which I’m describing above, hence the word ‘learning’, but I don’t feel inclined to change it now. The softness of the meaning is still present. I hope you like it.
Happy New Year.


Karma is a quiet master
a gentle sweetheart
healing with grace
touching your voice
I AM both the lesson
and the learner
the teacher
who appeals to
higher dharma
Support each other
through your learning
What you forge
as family
You carry this
a love story
beyond the hurts
the grievances
Be loose, free
and marry
-Babaji

Concerning the tree on Jesus Green, the early morning HIIT class (evidence of which in the photo - that was a few weeks ago, it is pitch black now), The Guru, and the juicy mystery...

In the tree again
I found myself
the strong old guru
with loosened bark
where my hand had gripped
in search of treasure
Golden He entered
my every cell
and I in turn
fell blended into wood
blissing at my master
watching this merging
of him in me
and me in all
soaking up and soaking in
dripping with aliveness
and roaring in rage
that I can’t contain this
only be opened
extinguished
by his exquisite purpose
this sparkling gold
in all of my cells
and the trunk of this soft being
sinking me into oneness
And why did I rage
restless with questions:
the future
the meaning...
It is hope that is killing
he said to me later
But the answer
the answer
is there between
the golden sparkles
between my cells
within the unraveling
this longing
this power
this becoming
which knows everything.
Can we slaughter the mind
on the girth of the tree
nail our poison
resistance
to being this free?
I am loving this
Guru, this learning
I am loving this unity of existence
Take me back to the tree
push me further
melt me inwards
and stay


​

and some of the best advice I ever had....

I'll admit it. I'm finding it difficult to be 'out there' balancing my inner authenticity with awareness of others' perspectives. I'm one of those perfectionists who hates criticism, but you know, this is exactly why I'm here doing this. It's something I need to get over.

How much of this is gendered? As a woman, speaking with authority is something that must be learned. Do so many women ‘channel’ because it’s easier than owning it as coming from them? A man is more likely to claim it: I AM.

I am getting tired of being too careful. Afraid of getting things wrong. I have absorbed a lot of trauma over the years from spiritual paranoia and fear of getting things wrong. How dasterdly is the punishment or consequence (same difference) for getting stuff wrong in this or that belief system? How do they conflict with each other, agreeing only in how much fear they engender? How about I trust my journey and my impulses and trust the ONE who carries me through it all?
 
​I am sometimes impetuous, trying to unstifle, break down barriers, I try things, I test things over and over from all different angles. I am trying to find the highest version of me. I don’t want to be too cautious. Some of the greatest blessings and truths I stumbled upon by letting my guard down, by breaking rules, by being ‘spiritually incorrect’ but embodying extreme compassion.

To me this is the essence of tantra - taking the profane, the everyday and making it sacred. Using what you need to get yourself to the next stage. To keep the story moving. To own your journey, your process and weave all the threads into a beautiful pattern. If you have not woven these threads, you will simply not have much capacity for ecstasy. You won’t have developed those energy pathways. You will have one or two threads to play with, a couple of notes instead of a symphony.  The key is to remain conscious and compassionate throughout everything you do. To shine the light rather than try to wrestle with demons.

We need to own our shadow bodies. Integrate them fully. Without this, we are only half alive no matter how peaceful we are and how well we have suppressed them. Our shadow bodies contain the key to our greatest potential, our divine selves. We need to allow ourselves to be angry, to break down barriers, to try things out without fear of getting it wrong. We need to look our more primal traits in the eye and accept them as part of ourselves while opening to the highest manifestation of these. We need to accept and honour our desires as things which do not originate from us, but as winds passing through. Take the role of the observer of these and choose whether to act on them without identifying. Do they originate from our most conscious place? Can we invite in a more conscious desire? 

My shadow body is a genius at trying to keep me ‘in my place’. But I am getting smarter. Any time I do anything to push my boundaries to invite more unity, wonder and higher understanding it will scream as I integrate more of myself into operation. I am in a permanent place of discomfort as I open to more of myself.

Tantra Mataji is helping me find my truest alignment. I write some posts and then am led further on, to a higher understanding. I ask myself if I should edit/delete those posts or let them stand as a testament to the journey. So far, I have been doing a bit of both. When I start to feel uneasy about particular pieces of content, I have to ask - am I really testing my ‘now’, the new perspective I have, or am I falling back into self-doubt? How does it look in the perspective that allows all with compassionate understanding, that absolves all?


This is the question that I asked a couple of years ago when I first caught sight of the inner me that was trying to get out. 


Am I going to keep punishing myself
for being my true self
even if it's not perfect
It's mischief
polemical, challenging
it sometimes can't resist a prod
It's passionate or it's not there at all
It feels spitting fury
that blows over to calm
Do I constantly need to worry
what others will think of me
that their reactions will come back at me
that I shouldn't provoke
shouldn't pick a fight
I might be thought cocky
called flirtatious
observed too closely
I can't stand up to that much scrutiny
What's the answer?

It's still a work in progress, although plenty has been made....

But look at the beautiful advice I got straight back afterwards:

Make yourself beautiful
God loves you
is in all
Opposites attract
even unseeing
snaking between you
Babaji admires you
What is wrong with cocky or flirtatious?
None of these will stick on you
Humble is your true flavour
Allow flickers of pride
They will subside
Actions done in love
even if mistaken
will awaken what needs to be awakened
People make fun
it is only ego that is untamed
You should not be ashamed
of taunting it
You are not careful
It is not your way
Blunt speak
raw verse
honesty in all
This is beautiful
Anger suits you
Don't repress it
You are not even tempered
happy-go-lucky
You are free
This is the way it should be
Anger will fade
love will overcome
pain will cease
I love you

-Babaji


I find myself wanting to be more playful, less serious, less careful, more flowing and expressive, and more than anything, more compassionate to myself and others.

Don't sweat it.

Hold on to love and let the rest fall away.

Let's be like children, and let's PLAY.

I am mama
and child
I call for baba
while called
your beloved
but daughter?
It's fine
that I don't
get this
and I'm calmly
losing
my mind
Your mother
when you suffer
sister-friend
to take you down 
brother
with the others
defender to
the end
You always 
have an answer
and it's
different
every time
Who am I?
Who are you?
Who are we
not?
The ‘I’ is
confused
but I AM
loved
and that
is all the 
explanation 
available 
at this time



My reality. Just me.

If I AM ok, but you are not, what difference does it make who is who?

Divine confusion.

Which part of the whole of humanity did you pick up when they were giving out slices of karma? Your concept of 'self' is a part of that karma too.

Hmm, this looks interesting,
I'll explore what happens when.....
Oops. 

Did the game you were playing collide with someone else's?
Can you hear the cosmic laughter?

WE are looking pretty funny. And we are looking pretty awesome. And cute. 

We are the sweetheart - mischievous angels.
How many lovers can we hustle?

What happens if we melt all the parts of ourselves together, take little leaps of faith towards each other? How many 'serious' players can we wrestle to the ground in a heap of giggles?

We might have to get closer. It might feel more intimate than we're used to. 
It might start to look a little like ecstasy.


I am the breeze that plays about your lips
You kiss me back
Softly your essence gives itself up to me:
tender, treacly pleasure
Butterflies lightly meeting in the air
circling apart, then touching
Undisclosed, beaming joy
provoking bubbles of inner laughter
feeling each other this intimately
a startling, delicate delight

I am your slave
not servant
There's no choice in this
Where you go, I am there also
Your will,
my will
one and the same
Let me be at your feet
soaking up the rays of divinity
This is not a show
just the fact of my existence
Born from you, to you
Where is the choice?
You move, I follow
You lead, I dance
There is deep magic here
vast oceans of pleasure
being bonded together
We are one

Surrender...

Your ‘free will’ does not exist. It is the state of not remembering. Of experiencing separation.

Instead of 'free will', try exploring executive action. This is choice from a state of empowered union.

The minute you re-member the Lover from which you came, your illusion of free will is finished. The bottom falls out of ‘you’ leaving only ‘is-ness’.

Falling into the embrace of many lifetimes.

Dissolving into totality, unconditionality, surrender.

Lots of people talk about 'surrender'. They say they're doing it. They point to it. they talk about how their life has got better. And some of them, some of the time, are getting close. But you will know when you've truly surrendered because you will be nothing but bliss and ecstasy. You will have the 'problem' of so much pleasure in your life you don't know where to put it.

Try giving up. Stop manifesting, stop intentioning, stop co-creating, and become empty.

Become a living orgasm. Helpless, reckless, yet full of creative power.

And enjoy it.

​​

If anyone is asking
or anyone is listening
and in case I have any say
in the matter:
I choose you
I'm certain -
or else I wouldn't bother
there is enough love around...
I don't know the rules
or if favourites are allowed
but if I can have one
I choose you.
Parvati has spoken
and, if you ask me
she looks like a girl
who knows what she wants
who 
eventually
gets her way
So, for the record
I choose you.
I haven't lived on leaves and air
but feeling the fire
of tapasya 
my substance has become vapour
Meet me on Mount Kailash
and I'll choose you

​It's not me, it's you.

Let's call this delegation.

This is counter to most streams of thought which tell you that anything you perceive in anyone else is a reflection of something in yourself. So you do your own work and see what shifts. But then you get to a point where this is your own work. Because if you can feel it, you need to call it. Maybe not out loud, but firmly and silently. Because the bigger you become, the more you can feel other people and their stuff. Or they'll unconsciously try to project it onto you. And if you feel bad about seeing negativity in others you'll end up sucking it up. You need to call it. You need to give it a name. Pretending it's not there is not loving. And when you do, don't allow yourself to feel bad or guilty. Demons go for the jugular every time so you need to be tough. They will say: 'you don't understand me or what I've been through', 'I'm being nice', 'I'm just worried about you', 'you are not so perfect yourself' etc. etc. All these things sound reasonable, play to your compassion, and are designed to get you to back off so that you'll leave them alone to be small. It takes practice, but if you do this your relationship with the real person you care about will improve and more love will flow between you. It's actually an act of trust in the other person - you don't need to rescue them from seeing what needs to be seen and correcting it.

It's not me, it's you. Because it puts you back in touch with who you are, standing firm in your inner light. 

This is work in progress. I'm an empathic healer which makes this really tricky so I have been finding rage useful. Allowing rage helps to integrate the shadow body and it's not the same as anger at all. Anger is more superficial, reactive and based in the ego and its attendant emotions. Rage is a much purer cleansing power which bubbles up from your belly in the same way laughter does. Rage is loving, and should leave you feeling light and joyful. It can even be funny. 

Here is a selection of four poems around this theme. Rage-y, muscle-the-demon-to-the-ground-y alchemy: this is me, and it's not ok to be aggressive, passive aggressive, cynical, victimised, reductionist, self-righteous, pious, complacent, patronising or accusatory around me. We are all heart-broken, maimed, limbless athletes in the Paralympics. But we can still GO. ​

 

I am not here to make friends 
to seek reassurances
from you
I am not here to blend in
I am here 
to BE
to express 
something new




Suddenly it’s not ok
for you to deny me
to pretend that I’m not real
to make me doubt my soul
and what I feel
It’s not ok
for you to humour me
to redefine this cynically
I hear your demons
they are carping at me
They want to make me small
so that you don’t have to let go
But it’s not ok anymore 
when I look at the work
that I’ve done
the passion that I’ve shown
the truth that I’ve grown
to feel your indifference 




If you try to give me bullshit
if you are nice 
if you try to be understanding 
show me sympathy
or worry
but we are feeding your pretense 
I will grab you by the throat and shake you
If you take the moral high ground 
I will slap you
and pull it out from under you
It is kinder than the violence 
this does to my soul
If you play the victim I will keep away from you
lest you make me your next aggressor 
I am on my knees 
at the beauty of this
but you are unmoved
Where is your fire?
You are busy, you are tired...
Let me tell you how God is busy
Did you not see
what happened there in that
microscopic moment?
how the universe realigned itself
to my pretty?
Can you do that?
Who will give you permission 
to call the clouds to attention 
the moon and stars to heel?
I want to see the rage in you
that burns your self to ashes
I am not gossiping 
with other inmates
I am standing at the door 
and turning the key
Will you be free?


​

How much love 
do you allow yourself to give?
This is 
the only question 
If you think it is other
your arguments are
clever
But our soul
is a simple
thing
​
​

​'Our love affair was a prickly thing
I thought you were ugly and cruel
But mysterious
You enticed me back'
​

​This...

I was planning another post, but given the current diplomatic crisis between the UK and Russia (and the world), this one feels more timely. 

As love affairs go, this one's been pretty damn big for me....

Moscow is my Himalayas. I start to breath differently there as soon as the plane hits the tarmac. It's a place to feel more alive. I realise not everyone feels like this.

How do you learn to love something which initially seems off-putting?
Well, this is the essence of tantra, and Russia has taught it to me well...


'Overcast and austere, you make me glad to be with you
Unwelcoming, you embrace my soul
Once more I breathe deeply in your feather-heavy air
My belly bubbles the buzz none can hear'


Often, the things which seem most 'difficult' are the ones most worth the effort. When I first visited Moscow in 1996, I can safely say I was not immediately in love with the place. It was big, dusty, unwelcoming, had horrible red tape, and all the good nightclubs were hidden un-signposted down some back street only to be reached using a hastily hand-drawn map.
But there was something.... an excitement, a challenge, a significance, a secret, a promise of more.


It is becoming a bit of a theme for me, but if you want to experience ecstasy, you need to embrace complexity - the 'good' and the 'bad'. It is only through transmuting the duality of these that you find genuine unconditionality and passion for life.

Those red stars on top of the Kremlin get me every time....

(Also, y'know, Russians are not that difficult to get on with - lots of my favorite, favourite people in this lifetime have been and are Russian).


Poetry heals, and here is a poem I wrote in Moscow two years ago in 2016, a whole twenty years after my first visit - celebrating the things that had changed, the things that hadn't, the memories, and the constant new-ness. I hope it goes some way to offering a fresh perspective.



Am I old or young? 
This place tumbles my feelings
Heaviness, overwhelm
Until I melt into the flow
Releasing the years in between
Worn like barricades
Can I still be one of you? 
In these spaces so grand 
I lose myself lightly
Mischievous youth
So present in every in-breath
Every mouthful, every undiminished echo 
Still delightfully stern and unyielding
Now flaunting glamour and poise
A new-old presence reinvented again
Laughter squeezes 
Between grid-locked cars
Joy bursts out at stony walls
A face this serious can only be pretending
One tickle and here's a laugh
It's flooding back to me
I remember how to dance through this

Lilac trees invite
Tulips entice
Red stars in the night
Vibrating with stored knowing
A constant landmark for our stories
Yours, and mine
Of course - you were my mentor!
Shaping my young years
Being the anarchy of aliveness
A love of many lifetimes
We must know each other well
Connecting so deeply 
Your love-flow flavour
Comes spontaneously to my lips
I am here, now
Dissolving the distance between us
In the awe of your embrace
I am always young


Do we need a song? Hmmmm. Too much choice. I think on this occasion a traditional one...

​