Shoulda, woulda, coulda
We’re nearing the end of the year, and for many this is a time for reflection: on where they are, on where they are going, on how far they’ve come.
If this is you, I would like to suggest trying something a bit different this year (read all the way to the bottom)...
This year, don’t ‘learn’ any lessons.
Don’t learn anything.
If you learn anything, learn to be deeply meditative. Become the observer of your life.
‘Learning’ implies judgement, that a greater wisdom is now achieved. It will get you so far, learning lessons, but even this kind of wisdom is linear, a part of the illusion of existence, the ‘before and after’ story you tell of yourself.
You are still identified with the ‘you’, not the I AM. The I AM always knows, always knew, always loved unconditionally.
What happens if you stop looking for meaning, for the moral of the story, for signs? Many people have accepted that there is no such thing as a ‘mistake’ in their life, only a learning, but what lies behind even that ‘learning’?
Just be. Just observe. Just allow.
If you are learning from the past, you are bringing the past into the present which means you are not being totally present. This is not the most empowering stance, because it does not allow you to enter into the magic space of self love. Complete self love is to accept the perfect imperfection that manifests as your life. You can honour the past, without feeling the need to react to it.
If you can’t release yourself from the past, how can you release yourself in the now, release yourself from fear of making mistakes? How can you release yourself from fear of negative repercussions or ‘punishment’ for ‘bad’ choices? You are the best you can be right now.
Don’t learn any ‘lessons’, but do learn to feel. Without reference to the past, what do you feel like doing today? Feel with your whole being rather than thinking with your mind. Feel with your toes. What wants to happen through you right now? Where is your compassion pointing? Dig deep. What is the highest compassion you can access?
Don’t learn any lessons. Start unlearning everything if you want to experience freedom. It’s the only way into the now and the power that lies therein. You AM. We AM. From this still point of observation, of unconditionality, what can you co-create?
Instead of the ‘life lesson’ paradigm, allow yourself to experience fully, let each experience penetrate your knowing, feel the pleasure, the pain without pushing it away, without judgement, denial or analysis. Let it seep into your consciousness with compassion. Once you’ve done this, you can let your now moment do the talking. If you are in presence, your choices will become more enlightened without needing to judge or ‘learn’. You will sooner or later feel like doing something slightly different. This is the quickest way to evolve your consciousness - without causing blockages of guilt, regret, condemnation and fear.
Let your experiences go without judgement or drama. If ‘negative’, thank them for being a part of your existence. Acknowledge the feelings moving through you, and refrain from analysing your choices. Why is it good or ‘bad’ in the first place? This is the portal into dissolving your karma, to accept your desires, your humanity without drama or punishment. No lessons learned, only service, only life, only being in the moment and observing gratitude.
If you unite yourself with the ONE in divine union instead of your individual little ‘me’, become the I AM, what can become of that little me? What can you do ‘wrong’ if you are in a state of compassion with the Lover, the Divine?
Don’t learn anything. Be faithful to the divine spark in you. Breathe, and ask yourself what you want to do now.
I remember writing this poem down during the summer, one hot day standing in the queue for the outdoor swimming pool on Jesus Green with my daughters. This was before the current shift which I’m describing above, hence the word ‘learning’, but I don’t feel inclined to change it now. The softness of the meaning is still present. I hope you like it.
Happy New Year.
Karma is a quiet master
a gentle sweetheart
healing with grace
touching your voice
I AM both the lesson
and the learner
who appeals to
Support each other
through your learning
What you forge
You carry this
a love story
beyond the hurts
Be loose, free
I’ve been working through a lot of issues of victimhood that I didn’t know I had. I started to realise that in the regime the guru guided me to, he wants the victim well and truly knocked out of me. It’s like bootcamp. I’ve never done everything on the list before, all at the SAME TIME. One by one I’ve come off all of my stimulants : coffee, then black tea, then green tea. I haven’t had a drink in several weeks. Sugar went by the wayside. I started a fitness regime. I started taking all my supplements religiously. I started cleaning my house top to bottom, sorting and deep cleaning.
Even though I’m not done yet, I’ve been able to make certain observations along the way.
When I gave something up, I felt like a victim.
The guru banned me from fasting for a time, saying he wanted me to nourish myself. I felt as if I was force feeding, and cue feeling like a victim.
I was told to fast again. I found myself feeling like a victim.
The guru told me to join a choir. I joined two.
They are great. Uplifting, balancing, bonding, but part of me felt like a victim as I am now so busy I don’t know where to look.
The guru said that’s how he wanted me: busy, so that I didn’t have time to think.
I still had time to feel like a victim.
This is not about poor me. I am having a great time, and my sense of assurance is increasing with each week that passes, but this is about the bits in between. Someone doesn’t acknowledge me, I feel like a victim. I learn to love my daughters more deeply and instead of enjoying it, I start worrying more about their wellbeing = victim.
Someone else is down or having a hard time...I’m an empath so part of me feels like a victim.
If you don’t like my social post, I’ll feel like a victim. If too many of you do I’ll also make myself a victim.
When I studied Health Kinesiology a few years back, I came across an energy correction called ‘being / not being’. These corrections deal with the phenomenon of people not being able to find a state which is safe for them. For example ‘being angry’ is stressful, and ‘not being angry’ is also stressful. ‘Being healthy’ is stressful and ‘not being healthy’ is also stressful. It’s very common. If you are stressed, on some level you are being a victim. There is more than one way to tackle just about anything, but it makes you think, doesn’t it? You are overweight and take action to reduce it, then suddenly everyone around you without fail is concerned you will ‘overdo it’. Where can you find your balance if you are not ‘safe’ anywhere?
When I empower, none of this happens. It is like flicking a switch. Nothing has changed in my life, but ‘too busy’ becomes ‘abundant’. ‘Demanding’ people become people I can serve and empower. ‘Annoying’ people become people with whom I can guide, teach or share wisdom. ‘Threatening’ people become people with whom I can co-create. I find my quiet in my centre.
The ‘victim’ is getting really boring. I don’t like false deadlines, yet I have given myself until the end of the year to finish off all the half-finished jobs I’ve started, even if I have to stay up half the night. The uplift will be worth it. Osho defines karma as incompleted action, and when I first read that some years ago, I wasn’t entirely sure I could relate. But now, yes.
I still need to be at ONE with my humanity and limitations. Nothing is ever done. There will always be something undone, so it’s a balance between taking control, and surrendering to the moment and how things are, in itself a form of completion.
How to find this balance?
For me it’s about listening to the moment, feeling it in the body, feet on the ground and energising. Not trying to be in the future where the job is ‘done’, but enjoying the DOING as an act of BEING. This is completion. This is grace and peace and gratitude and all the good things. In this state I float effortlessly from one task to the next knowing that I’ll be empowered to deal effectively with it.
I like this place. I hope the 'victim' is listening.
What does the woman in me want?
Two and a half weeks into what I'm calling my personal retreat. Fasting, simplifying, streamlining, grounding, forgiving.
The healing is intense.
We are letting go of violence and drama at a core level, embodying ahimsa. We are acknowledging the 'we' that we have remembered we are. We are finding peace and presence at a much deeper level, surrendering to what is. We are finding that we are ok.
New and interesting questions are surfacing...
What does the woman in me want?
What do the women in me desire?
Standing by the side of the lake
I am complete
I am enough
I am compassion
I am peaceful
I am exploring myself
I am not looking at you
though you are pretty
- you will not distract me
There is too much violent
You are too worldly
I am in love
confidence - freedom - passion