Have you noticed how women worship with their bodies? and how others are unkind? Those tears at the feet of the anointed one… Bittersweet mingling with rich perfume tended with kisses pouring forth from alabaster in total response to Beauty Hair unravelling damp from caressing unmindful who’s watching this private act of Love This woman: pure in devotion absolving all with a moment of mystery Vignette of passion all but lost on those attending Nothing of sense for the mind Did the women see it differently absorbing silently with their own bodies her eternal darshan ? And if you should see a woman moved by guileless ecstasy confounding your customs and your heart Will you join her in touching the Kingdom? with kisses and tears hair flowing love dissolving in kind -Mataji
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Concerning the tree on Jesus Green, the early morning HIIT class (evidence of which in the photo - that was a few weeks ago, it is pitch black now), The Guru, and the juicy mystery... In the tree again I found myself the strong old guru with loosened bark where my hand had gripped in search of treasure Golden He entered my every cell and I in turn fell blended into wood blissing at my master watching this merging of him in me and me in all soaking up and soaking in dripping with aliveness and roaring in rage that I can’t contain this only be opened extinguished by his exquisite purpose this sparkling gold in all of my cells and the trunk of this soft being sinking me into oneness And why did I rage restless with questions: the future the meaning... It is hope that is killing he said to me later But the answer the answer is there between the golden sparkles between my cells within the unraveling this longing this power this becoming which knows everything. Can we slaughter the mind on the girth of the tree nail our poison resistance to being this free? I am loving this Guru, this learning I am loving this unity of existence Take me back to the tree push me further melt me inwards and stay One of the unremarked aspects of Madonna’s legacy, in my opinion, is the fact that many of her lyrics are exceptionally devotional. She is remembered for the controversy, the pushing of boundaries about women were allowed to express, but also, she intuitively understood the nature of the Divine Lover and the blurred line between 'him' and 'Him'. The chastity and absolution that comes with prayerful loving. Aside from the obvious (and controversial at the time) Like a Prayer, we also have : Cherish, True Blue, Rain. Deeper and Deeper. Even the (again, controversial video) Justify my Love. You can see so many of them as potent songs of Shakti to Shiva. Flitting between the Him, and the him. Demanding that the little him shape up (Open your Heart, Express Yourself) to the full glory of what he is capable. As tantrics have always known, this is the mystical power of the conscious female, the yogini. And you wonder where the modern day mystics have gone... They are going where mystics are supposed to go. Check out the scriptwriters, the rock bands, the writers, the poets, the artists, the thought leaders. Look at Lady Gaga. ‘It doesn’t matter if you love him, or capital H-im. Baby you were born this way’. Or the quietly witty video for ‘Judas’. Just because she’s exploring the shadow, doesn’t make her dark. It's a journey to the underworld, like the goddess Inanna. This is what women are supposed to do: feel and express without judgement. Feeling involves throwing a harness on darkness, rawness, pain, and pulling it into the light. Transmuting it through art into something less scary and freeing. There’s a great power in saying: This is how I feel. What are you going to do about it? Heal it, accept it or fix it, but don’t argue with it or deny it. I could go on (and on), but in the meantime, what about the song which inspired this post... True Blue? Go on, have a listen. I bet you’ve forgotten how childlike, innocent and uplifting this song really is. This is one for the ladies. Gentlemen, you may use it to connect with your feminine energy or understand your woman better. Girl, you are doing great. It is not easy being female with no rule book, no guidebook. There is no template for an enlightened female except the mother figure who sits calmly and blesses those around her. How will you integrate your shadow, and become a whole being instead of the half you have been for millennia? How will you know which bits to choose, and which to let go? It’s all been repressed, and now it comes out. Don’t be hard on yourself. What does it look like when the woman who has come by the path of Wicca reaches divinity? What when the temple priestess dissolves identity and becomes oneness? The dakini? The warrior woman? Who is going to tell us what it looks like? We think we have achieved some freedom as women but look how few these years are in human history. Our karma is still screaming at us telling us that we won’t live to tell the tale. Think of it all - the stoning, the ducking, the burning, the consignment to mental asylums. Joan of Arc was condemned for the crime of cross-dressing in the end. She was just wearing trousers.... It’s all still there just lurking under the surface as soon as you begin to deviate from the narrow norm. Just a generation ago you were meant to suck it up and take Prozac. Sometimes Prozac still seems like the best option for the pain you’re not even supposed to feel, but you do. Because you are not recognised or valued for your feminine brilliance, you are dissuaded from exploring your essence. There is no template, no precedent, or very few. This is why we are all in love with Frieda Kahlo, why we are creating a scrapbook of others like her, to learn from. You are a pioneer. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes you will get labelled. You have to deal with the dual ‘blame’ of not being ok all the time AND breaking the mould. Why do you think you can go your own way when your mental or emotional state is not always well? Come back into the rigid constraints we have created for you. We care about you. We know what is best for you. What you feel is nonsense. And you silently scream... Girl, you are doing brilliantly. You are still alive. You are still breathing. Are you going to beat yourself up for your self management - your coffee, your wine, your other helpers? You know you’ll let them go when you get a better option. You know the yoga class is good for you, walking barefoot on the grass, the dancing, the talking with a soul healing friend. Open yourself more. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, an open wound. This is your work. Feeling something is wrong is important work. Think of yourself as a barometer of how well humanity is doing. Feel into what feels light. Be the change. No prophet is accepted in his own village, is what they say. Maybe ‘prophet’ feels a little heavy for you, but if you are guiding from your space of feminine wisdom - your feeling, give me a better word. We need to forgive ourselves for not being ok, for hurting, for being sick. Just because we feel it, and the other half denies it, suppresses feelings, does not mean we, they, are well. How do we make this less of a burden? If you had a broken leg, how would you treat yourself? If you had the flu? If we are happy to admit on a personal level that we are sick, and that this is not failure, we will open the way to allowing the masculine energy to let go. It’s not weak. It’s not failure. Take his hand. He can let go of some of that control. We can show him how to trust. We can show him the magic with confidence. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Angry people need forgiveness. For the limitations of form, of time, of ability, for being in dis-ease, for feeling cut off from what is sacred, for not being in love. Girl, you are doing great. It’s ok to have a bad day. We have to allow ourselves to flow with our emotions - around people, around family, around workmates. Find a way to express them, not pretend that we are not really happening. This is the role of the healer, the shakti. We have to be at peace with the feelings of pain and unease, and also find ways of not being overwhelmed by them. We don’t need to identify. Forgive yourself for being sick. You are carrying the burden of many. Know when to feel, and when to dive into no-mind and non-judgement. And allow yourself to heal. I wrote this letter to myself the other day. It was a challenging day - travelling, a 2.30 am start, many hours more than usual in an airport, many miles covered. This is difficult for a sensitive empath. I am experimenting with more raw posting. If it doesn't feel right, I may not keep it, so if you find this personally useful or encouraging, please leave a comment :) I have been taught not to trust ecstasy. That ecstasy cannot be my teacher. That ecstasy is in conflict with what is good and moral. That it is selfish. That it is lust. That it is temporary. That it is unruly and unreliable. That it is not social. That it is not compatible with a good life, an ordered life. I have not been taught that ecstasy is something to aspire to. If you experience it, fine, but it’s not the be all and end all. Always limit it. Only in specific circumstances. Only in private. I have been taught to be suspicious of ‘experience’ in spiritual contexts. ‘Charismatic’ always comes with a warning. Nothing in my spiritual experience taught me that ecstasy was a goal. There were surely warnings about letting go, being taken in, trusting the wrong teachings, trusting the wrong guru, suspicions of trance like states (samadhi) and being possessed by demons or negative energies. Some saints experienced it, perhaps, but it was often touch and go whether to burn or beatify. And as a woman, what is the messaging? Don’t enjoy your sexuality for yourself. Like ever. Or submit to condemnation in some form. The fewer partners the better. Not before marriage. But when with your ‘ok’ partner, make sure you look as if you’re having a good time. You are a failure if not. We don’t let women own sex. They are too often first introduced to sex on the back foot, forced into either a defensive or ‘pleasing’ position, and will spend x amount of years re-discovering it in a way that includes their wisdom. Why are we shutting ourselves off from ecstasy with SO much unconscious intention? On some level we know that once we’ve experienced true sacred ecstasy, we are finished as a limited being. There is no going back once transcendent states have been experienced. We cannot be controlled and made to dance to another’s tune once we have accessed our inner knowing. Even if we are momentarily swayed, we just know and can reconnect with that sense of communion. We know which ‘rules’ bring us closer to that, and which push us away. Ecstasy comes with a big fat happy warning of too much freedom. No wonder why it is so elusive. Two and a half weeks into what I'm calling my personal retreat. Fasting, simplifying, streamlining, grounding, forgiving. The healing is intense. We are letting go of violence and drama at a core level, embodying ahimsa. We are acknowledging the 'we' that we have remembered we are. We are finding peace and presence at a much deeper level, surrendering to what is. We are finding that we are ok. New and interesting questions are surfacing... What does the woman in me want? What do the women in me desire? Standing by the side of the lake looking out: I am complete I am enough I am compassion I am peaceful I am exploring myself as woman I am not looking at you though you are pretty - you will not distract me There is too much violent activity in you You are too worldly I am in love with me If anyone is asking or anyone is listening and in case I have any say in the matter: I choose you I'm certain - or else I wouldn't bother there is enough love around... I don't know the rules or if favourites are allowed but if I can have one I choose you. Parvati has spoken and, if you ask me she looks like a girl who knows what she wants who eventually gets her way So, for the record I choose you. I haven't lived on leaves and air but feeling the fire of tapasya my substance has become vapour Meet me on Mount Kailash and I'll choose you Warning: This post contains fruity content (!) A tale of two lovers...
Imagine this: Our divine couple... Two beloveds, wandering free in the countryside, in the desert, over the sea, have attained sacred union - the eternal inner marriage of hieros gamos. Conjoining, they watched as their essences spiralled round each other, golden, in a double helix, binding them together. Once two, now they are one, communing constantly as a single being in two bodies. Whether together or apart, their energies sing to each other. From their tongues, their energy channels, their love organs - streams of tingling consciousness speaking the mysteries of the universe. They began with wildly different backgrounds, Love is funny like that, but if you asked them now, you would find they have forgotten their starting points. Meeting in the centre they have dissolved their histories, their former selves and opened to the Christ consciousness, the inner soulmate. How old are they? Who can tell? These entwined beings are constantly renewing through the breath of the cosmos that flows between them. Together they have become a love-bomb, dissolving all barriers to Love in their paths. Inspired by the new sensations flowing through them, between each ONE and the Divine, with childlike curiosity they look for new ways to experience more, share more divine communion. What can there be to dislike, to argue with, concerning a love such as theirs? But they have heard rumours, incomprehensible ideas, and it makes them wonder... She takes his hand: My tongue speaks to yours communing like wafer melting into spring and silence So much to say yet no words taking form only rushing like a stream with eager boisterous loving Please be gentle patient What are you saying? This is popping candy deeply throating kissing without touching dissolving your communion with mine Like wafer Like a tongue on pencil sharpener Tingling electric like the stream from your member Can we go to the chapel receive absolution for the love we have with each other? I want to feel it the wafer on my tongue Will it speak to me more or less wiser? Can we go there together and kneel as we offer our tongues to this union? Hold my hand see The priest is on our side No lover of mine is an enemy of devotion Look - we are fine On International Women's Day I have a question... So tell me: How many times better Than you must I be To be accepted as your equal? An A-lister, to your B The only thing you understand Is my tough love My mastery And you wonder why We are struggling to be free If I love you You're suspicious If I admire you I can't be serious If I'm nice You underestimate me (Consider it a friendly warning But don't do that...) I make it look easy And instead of virtuosity You see nothing I can keep pulling it Out of the bag But this is getting boring And it would be more fun To ride with you So I'll ask again As if to a friend How many times better Than you must I be With my bountiful skills In my feminine guise To be considered your equal? I have some more questions.... When female leaders are strong, they attract a lot of criticism. Or when they are perceived as weak, or just because they're there. They can be described as being 'masculine', 'ruthless', 'even worse than men' etc etc. I think we are still finding out what true female leadership looks like. How a woman would lead if truly allowed to follow her own inclinations... Is it possible to lead from a place of raw, unpolished vulnerability? Is it possible to guide from a place of feeling and pain? To what extent can a woman be sensual? Which qualities might you 'borrow' from each of these female leaders (below)? Which would you decline on? Are you judging them or loving them? Which other powerful women do you admire? (Top left clockwise: Baroness Thatcher, Catherine the Great, Queen Elizabeth I, Inanna) I bit my tongue three times this week. Owwwww! So I had to ask the glaring question...Why am I biting my effing tongue? What am I not saying? So many parts of our feminine story are missing from the dialogue. The unconditionality, the sensuality, the calling to account. This is the job of Shakti. Embracing the sheer complexity of all that is, has ever been and will always be. Tantra is like forgiveness in motion. It exists because we are all IT, and we are all one, and because there was a Hitler, and there was also an Eva Braun. They are both still here in all of us. Because the role of Shakti is to surrender, to remember, to use her whole self unashamedly, and raise her beloved to a higher place. It's not about rejecting or withholding. It's about kissing and upbraiding in a single breath. Caressing like a lover, and cuffing like a lioness to her cubs. Drawing lines, but going in. This is the power of the feminine. It's time to get our hands dirty, and call our beloved home... Why am I biting my precious tongue? The tongue is an organ of loving Feel the love flow between us The pouring, the gushing The gentle prattling to your sweetheart You just want to be known Confiding in me your lifetimes All of your stories your learnings I have the other half of these The wisdom, understandings I will explain it all, the primal rush The love play The way you slay me How whatever happens I still go to pieces when you play The symphony Between my tongue and my love The harmonics of good, and god-like And what is that! and ninja-sweet attainment I make it ok in you, the god in you The stuff that makes no sense in you Come home to me Why am I biting my precious tongue? Torturing this love organ When we are both speaking through it Giving and receiving When the chiding and forgiveness come in two When you finish my sentences, my being As brother-sister, one-it-y While you tickle all my love organs With your ecstasy, our laughter I have as much to give As to receive I am the engine that makes us go You need to listen to what I say As part of you I find the needle in your hay And know what to do It’s ok You slay me Come home to me I am not biting my precious tongue |
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Tantra Mataji | confidence - freedom - passion |