We’re nearing the end of the year, and for many this is a time for reflection: on where they are, on where they are going, on how far they’ve come.


If this is you, I would like to suggest trying something a bit different this year (read all the way to the bottom)...


This year, don’t ‘learn’ any lessons.


Don’t learn anything.


Only breathe.


If you learn anything, learn to be deeply meditative. Become the observer of your life.


‘Learning’ implies judgement, that a greater wisdom is now achieved. It will get you so far, learning lessons, but even this kind of wisdom is linear, a part of the illusion of existence, the ‘before and after’ story you tell of yourself.


You are still identified with the ‘you’, not the I AM. The I AM always knows, always knew, always loved unconditionally.


What happens if you stop looking for meaning, for the moral of the story, for signs? Many people have accepted that there is no such thing as a ‘mistake’ in their life, only a learning, but what lies behind even that ‘learning’?


Just be. Just observe. Just allow.


If you are learning from the past, you are bringing the past into the present which means you are not being totally present. This is not the most empowering stance, because it does not allow you to enter into the magic space of self love. Complete self love is to accept the perfect imperfection that manifests as your life. You can honour the past, without feeling the need to react to it.


If you can’t release yourself from the past, how can you release yourself in the now, release yourself from fear of making mistakes? How can you release yourself from fear of negative repercussions or ‘punishment’ for ‘bad’ choices? You are the best you can be right now.


Don’t learn any ‘lessons’, but do learn to feel. Without reference to the past, what do you feel like doing today? Feel with your whole being rather than thinking with your mind. Feel with your toes. What wants to happen through you right now? Where is your compassion pointing? Dig deep. What is the highest compassion you can access?


Don’t learn any lessons. Start unlearning everything if you want to experience freedom. It’s the only way into the now and the power that lies therein. You AM. We AM. From this still point of observation, of unconditionality, what can you co-create?


Instead of the ‘life lesson’ paradigm, allow yourself to experience fully, let each experience penetrate your knowing, feel the pleasure, the pain without pushing it away, without judgement, denial or analysis. Let it seep into your consciousness with compassion. Once you’ve done this, you can let your now moment do the talking. If you are in presence, your choices will become more enlightened without needing to judge or ‘learn’. You will sooner or later feel like doing something slightly different. This is the quickest way to evolve your consciousness - without causing blockages of guilt, regret, condemnation and fear.


Let your experiences go without judgement or drama. If ‘negative’, thank them for being a part of your existence. Acknowledge the feelings moving through you, and refrain from analysing your choices. Why is it good or ‘bad’ in the first place? This is the portal into dissolving your karma, to accept your desires, your humanity without drama or punishment. No lessons learned, only service, only life, only being in the moment and observing gratitude.


If you unite yourself with the ONE in divine union instead of your individual little ‘me’, become the I AM, what can become of that little me? What can you do ‘wrong’ if you are in a state of compassion with the Lover, the Divine?


Don’t learn anything. Be faithful to the divine spark in you. Breathe, and ask yourself what you want to do now.


......


I remember writing this poem down during the summer, one hot day standing in the queue for the outdoor swimming pool on Jesus Green with my daughters. This was before the current shift which I’m describing above, hence the word ‘learning’, but I don’t feel inclined to change it now. The softness of the meaning is still present. I hope you like it.
Happy New Year.


Karma is a quiet master
a gentle sweetheart
healing with grace
touching your voice
I AM both the lesson
and the learner
the teacher
who appeals to
higher dharma
Support each other
through your learning
What you forge
as family
You carry this
a love story
beyond the hurts
the grievances
Be loose, free
and marry
-Babaji

Girl, you are doing great.
​
It is not easy being female with no rule book, no guidebook. There is no template for an enlightened female except the mother figure who sits calmly and blesses those around her. How will you integrate your shadow, and become a whole being instead of the half you have been for millennia? 
How will you know which bits to choose, and which to let go?
It’s all been repressed, and now it comes out. 
Don’t be hard on yourself.

What does it look like when the woman who has come by the path of Wicca reaches divinity? What when the temple priestess dissolves identity and becomes oneness? The dakini? The warrior woman?
Who is going to tell us what it looks like? 
We think we have achieved some freedom as women but look how few these years are in human history. Our karma is still screaming at us telling us that we won’t live to tell the tale. Think of it all - the stoning, the ducking, the burning, the consignment to mental asylums. Joan of Arc was condemned for the crime of cross-dressing in the end. She was just wearing trousers....
It’s all still there just lurking under the surface as soon as you begin to deviate from the narrow norm. 
Just a generation ago you were meant to suck it up and take Prozac. Sometimes Prozac still seems like the best option for the pain you’re not even supposed to feel, but you do. Because you are not recognised or valued for your feminine brilliance, you are dissuaded from exploring your essence. 

There is no template, no precedent, or very few. This is why we are all in love with Frieda Kahlo, why we are creating a scrapbook of others like her, to learn from.
You are a pioneer. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes you will get labelled. You have to deal with the dual ‘blame’ of not being ok all the time AND breaking the mould. Why do you think you can go your own way when your mental or emotional state is not always well? 

Come back into the rigid constraints we have created for you. 
We care about you. 
We know what is best for you. 
What you feel is nonsense. 

And you silently scream...

Girl, you are doing brilliantly. 
You are still alive. You are still breathing. Are you going to beat yourself up for your self management - your coffee, your wine, your other helpers? You know you’ll let them go when you get a better option. You know the yoga class is good for you, walking barefoot on the grass, the dancing, the talking with a soul healing friend. Open yourself more. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, an open wound. 
This is your work. 
Feeling something is wrong is important work. 
Think of yourself as a barometer of how well humanity is doing. Feel into what feels light. Be the change. 
No prophet is accepted in his own village, is what they say. Maybe ‘prophet’ feels a little heavy for you, but if you are guiding from your space of feminine wisdom - your feeling, give me a better word.

We need to forgive ourselves for not being ok, for hurting, for being sick. Just because we feel it, and the other half denies it, suppresses feelings, does not mean we, they, are well. 
How do we make this less of a burden? If you had a broken leg, how would you treat yourself? If you had the flu? If we are happy to admit on a personal level that we are sick, and that this is not failure, we will open the way to allowing the masculine energy to let go. 
It’s not weak. 
It’s not failure. 
Take his hand. He can let go of some of that control. We can show him how to trust. We can show him the magic with confidence. 
Forgive, forgive, forgive. 
Angry people need forgiveness. For the limitations of form, of time, of ability, for being in dis-ease, for feeling cut off from what is sacred, for not being in love.

Girl, you are doing great. It’s ok to have a bad day. We have to allow ourselves to flow with our emotions - around people, around family, around workmates. Find a way to express them, not pretend that we are not really happening. This is the role of the healer, the shakti. We have to be at peace with the feelings of pain and unease, and also find ways of not being overwhelmed by them. We don’t need to identify. 
Forgive yourself for being sick. You are carrying the burden of many.
​Know when to feel, and when to dive into no-mind and non-judgement. 

And allow yourself to heal. 

I wrote this letter to myself the other day. It was a challenging day - travelling, a 2.30 am start, many hours more than usual in an airport, many miles covered. This is difficult for a sensitive empath.
I am experimenting with more raw posting. If it doesn't feel right, I may not keep it, so if you find this personally useful or encouraging, please leave a comment :)

These are the people I see around me:
the light beings
the hidden masters
the real masters.
We know life
we know love
we know how to cooperate
to get things done
We don't need to look elsewhere
We need to look within
and laugh
and be soft
and allow ourselves
to melt.
​

Resurrection. It's inside all of us. 

Labi Siffre is today's guru with this powerful anthem:

​​
​The higher you build your barriers
The taller I become
The further you take my rights away
The faster I will run
You can deny me, you can decide
To turn your face away
No matter 'cause there's

Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone, oh no
There's something inside so strong
Oh, something inside so strong

The more you refuse to hear my voice 
The louder I will sing
You hide behind walls of Jericho 
Your lies will come tumbling
Deny my place in time, you squander wealth that's mine
My light will shine so brightly it will blind you
Because there's

Something inside so strong, strong
I know that I can make it
Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone, oh no
There's something inside so strong
Oh, something inside so strong

Brothers and sisters
When they insist we're just not good enough
Well we know better
Just look them in the eyes and say
We're gonna do it anyway
We're gonna do it anyway

There's something inside so strong
And I know that I can make it
Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone, oh no
There's something inside so strong, oh
Something inside so strong

Brothers and sisters
When they insist we're just not good enough
Well we know better
Just look them in the eyes and say
We're gonna do it anyway
We're gonna do it anyway
We're gonna do it anyway
We're gonna do it anyway
Because there's

Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone, oh no, oh no
There's something inside so strong
Something inside so strong 
I know that I can make it
Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone, oh no, oh no
There's something inside so strong


​

​'Our love affair was a prickly thing
I thought you were ugly and cruel
But mysterious
You enticed me back'
​

​This...

I was planning another post, but given the current diplomatic crisis between the UK and Russia (and the world), this one feels more timely. 

As love affairs go, this one's been pretty damn big for me....

Moscow is my Himalayas. I start to breath differently there as soon as the plane hits the tarmac. It's a place to feel more alive. I realise not everyone feels like this.

How do you learn to love something which initially seems off-putting?
Well, this is the essence of tantra, and Russia has taught it to me well...


'Overcast and austere, you make me glad to be with you
Unwelcoming, you embrace my soul
Once more I breathe deeply in your feather-heavy air
My belly bubbles the buzz none can hear'


Often, the things which seem most 'difficult' are the ones most worth the effort. When I first visited Moscow in 1996, I can safely say I was not immediately in love with the place. It was big, dusty, unwelcoming, had horrible red tape, and all the good nightclubs were hidden un-signposted down some back street only to be reached using a hastily hand-drawn map.
But there was something.... an excitement, a challenge, a significance, a secret, a promise of more.


It is becoming a bit of a theme for me, but if you want to experience ecstasy, you need to embrace complexity - the 'good' and the 'bad'. It is only through transmuting the duality of these that you find genuine unconditionality and passion for life.

Those red stars on top of the Kremlin get me every time....

(Also, y'know, Russians are not that difficult to get on with - lots of my favorite, favourite people in this lifetime have been and are Russian).


Poetry heals, and here is a poem I wrote in Moscow two years ago in 2016, a whole twenty years after my first visit - celebrating the things that had changed, the things that hadn't, the memories, and the constant new-ness. I hope it goes some way to offering a fresh perspective.



Am I old or young? 
This place tumbles my feelings
Heaviness, overwhelm
Until I melt into the flow
Releasing the years in between
Worn like barricades
Can I still be one of you? 
In these spaces so grand 
I lose myself lightly
Mischievous youth
So present in every in-breath
Every mouthful, every undiminished echo 
Still delightfully stern and unyielding
Now flaunting glamour and poise
A new-old presence reinvented again
Laughter squeezes 
Between grid-locked cars
Joy bursts out at stony walls
A face this serious can only be pretending
One tickle and here's a laugh
It's flooding back to me
I remember how to dance through this

Lilac trees invite
Tulips entice
Red stars in the night
Vibrating with stored knowing
A constant landmark for our stories
Yours, and mine
Of course - you were my mentor!
Shaping my young years
Being the anarchy of aliveness
A love of many lifetimes
We must know each other well
Connecting so deeply 
Your love-flow flavour
Comes spontaneously to my lips
I am here, now
Dissolving the distance between us
In the awe of your embrace
I am always young


Do we need a song? Hmmmm. Too much choice. I think on this occasion a traditional one...

​

I promised myself a while back, if I ever got a taste of enlightenment, I'd try to describe what it feels like. 
Because if you're on a path, I think it's helpful to know what you're aiming for. 

And because despite everything, I didn't really find a good description anywhere, or at least anything that resembled what my experience was like in order to explain it.

So my question was, either those doing the talking are missing something, not sharing, or on a different trajectory.

Words like 'bliss', 'peace', 'rapture' and 'ecstasy' get flung around, but what does that actually mean? 'Ecstasy' is a word invented by people who don't experience a lot of it, and we just have to make do with inadequate vocabulary.

It's my belief that in the higher realms there are probably entire languages devoted to expressing the many flavours, tones, harmonics, subtleties and varieties of love experience.

I've been reminded recently how good it actually is. 

It's:
peaceful, passionate, playful,
tender, physical, total, dissolving,
ecstatic, rapturous, prayerful,
blissful, kissful, ravishing, caressing,
extinguishing, re-birthing, romantic...

And much more (like I said - inadequacy of words)

It's not just about chasing inner peace.

And I reckon that's worth a bit of inner work and meditation...
​

You said
'Do more of what you love'
But I looked at my life
In despair
As there were no more 
Minutes to be found
And I know you're not sadistic
(Honestly)
So this must mean
Something more profound 
I looked again at the strictures
And the activity
I could not have arranged it better
If I was deliberately 
Seeking misery
There was nowhere to go
Nothing to do
You told me 'Do more of what you love'
So I went back to you and said:
There is nothing left 
There is no other way 
You need to show me
How to make love to my life
Teach me how to make love
To my day

​