Girl, you are doing great.
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It is not easy being female with no rule book, no guidebook. There is no template for an enlightened female except the mother figure who sits calmly and blesses those around her. How will you integrate your shadow, and become a whole being instead of the half you have been for millennia? 
How will you know which bits to choose, and which to let go?
It’s all been repressed, and now it comes out. 
Don’t be hard on yourself.

What does it look like when the woman who has come by the path of Wicca reaches divinity? What when the temple priestess dissolves identity and becomes oneness? The dakini? The warrior woman?
Who is going to tell us what it looks like? 
We think we have achieved some freedom as women but look how few these years are in human history. Our karma is still screaming at us telling us that we won’t live to tell the tale. Think of it all - the stoning, the ducking, the burning, the consignment to mental asylums. Joan of Arc was condemned for the crime of cross-dressing in the end. She was just wearing trousers....
It’s all still there just lurking under the surface as soon as you begin to deviate from the narrow norm. 
Just a generation ago you were meant to suck it up and take Prozac. Sometimes Prozac still seems like the best option for the pain you’re not even supposed to feel, but you do. Because you are not recognised or valued for your feminine brilliance, you are dissuaded from exploring your essence. 

There is no template, no precedent, or very few. This is why we are all in love with Frieda Kahlo, why we are creating a scrapbook of others like her, to learn from.
You are a pioneer. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes you will get labelled. You have to deal with the dual ‘blame’ of not being ok all the time AND breaking the mould. Why do you think you can go your own way when your mental or emotional state is not always well? 

Come back into the rigid constraints we have created for you. 
We care about you. 
We know what is best for you. 
What you feel is nonsense. 

And you silently scream...

Girl, you are doing brilliantly. 
You are still alive. You are still breathing. Are you going to beat yourself up for your self management - your coffee, your wine, your other helpers? You know you’ll let them go when you get a better option. You know the yoga class is good for you, walking barefoot on the grass, the dancing, the talking with a soul healing friend. Open yourself more. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, an open wound. 
This is your work. 
Feeling something is wrong is important work. 
Think of yourself as a barometer of how well humanity is doing. Feel into what feels light. Be the change. 
No prophet is accepted in his own village, is what they say. Maybe ‘prophet’ feels a little heavy for you, but if you are guiding from your space of feminine wisdom - your feeling, give me a better word.

We need to forgive ourselves for not being ok, for hurting, for being sick. Just because we feel it, and the other half denies it, suppresses feelings, does not mean we, they, are well. 
How do we make this less of a burden? If you had a broken leg, how would you treat yourself? If you had the flu? If we are happy to admit on a personal level that we are sick, and that this is not failure, we will open the way to allowing the masculine energy to let go. 
It’s not weak. 
It’s not failure. 
Take his hand. He can let go of some of that control. We can show him how to trust. We can show him the magic with confidence. 
Forgive, forgive, forgive. 
Angry people need forgiveness. For the limitations of form, of time, of ability, for being in dis-ease, for feeling cut off from what is sacred, for not being in love.

Girl, you are doing great. It’s ok to have a bad day. We have to allow ourselves to flow with our emotions - around people, around family, around workmates. Find a way to express them, not pretend that we are not really happening. This is the role of the healer, the shakti. We have to be at peace with the feelings of pain and unease, and also find ways of not being overwhelmed by them. We don’t need to identify. 
Forgive yourself for being sick. You are carrying the burden of many.
​Know when to feel, and when to dive into no-mind and non-judgement. 

And allow yourself to heal. 

I wrote this letter to myself the other day. It was a challenging day - travelling, a 2.30 am start, many hours more than usual in an airport, many miles covered. This is difficult for a sensitive empath.
I am experimenting with more raw posting. If it doesn't feel right, I may not keep it, so if you find this personally useful or encouraging, please leave a comment :)

I have recently really tapped into the power of Reiki. It is just over three years now since I was first attuned. And not the first energy therapy I have ever practised. But it is the one I’m using now.
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They say that the more you use Reiki, the better a channel you become. I believe this is true, but significantly the shifts I have noticed recently are based upon understanding, letting the Rei Ki teach me how best to use it, and how to really step into its power. Not just using techhniques because I’ve been told they are useful, but being guided to pick exactly the right technique and know simultaneously that it will work. It’s not that nothing was happening before - I would not be without my Reiki for nourishing, balancing, relaxing, and healing of many issues has taken place over time, it’s just that it often felt as if I was nursing issues along, taking the edge off but not really getting to the bottom of the issue. I wasn’t even sure if Reiki was the right tool for this.

Lately I have started using it slightly less, but more consciously, and increasingly only when I know it is targeted where I need it. I have been listening to my body, going deep within myself, and realising I can manifest what I need from there in terms of healing.

Recently for one slightly daft example, I asked my body what it needs right now, and a packet of chia seeds came to view. I had just left for 3 weeks hols to Turkey where to my knowledge, chia had not yet taken off. So instead of worrying about it, I laughed and said well if you need chia seeds you’ll have to manifest some in your direction, because I’m not going to think about it. Shortly after, I remembered that I had brought some coconut snacks with me in the suitcase, and indeed, they had chia seeds added. Is that enough chia I asked? The next day at breakfast I reached for the gluten-free wraps that I’d brought along. Without realising, I had bought the seeded version which also includes chia. A day later we visit the supermarket and I find there are two brands of chia seeds to choose from in huge packets. More chia than I know what to do with. I should just be quiet...

So this is not really about chia seeds, but about me teaching myself not to stress over things that I think I need. If a voice out there, no matter who this is, however much you respect them, tells you to do something, or that this or that is the best, or if you are in your rational mind which has taken any of this in, you will not be in your power unless this resonates deeply with your inner knowing. If you go deep within, the requirement, the ‘what we are working on next’, the ‘do this now to achieve ....’, is effortless. If you get your mind out of the way, it happens. The need and the having are the same thing #askanditshallbegiven.
Your body knows how to do tantra. It doesn’t need any lessons. It knows exactly what to do for your current healing. Even if it’s one simple thing. It’s the one simple thing you need to do until you get another impulse bubbling up. Your body knows how to do yoga. I have experienced my body making postural adjustments from a deep meditative state of body consciousness. Your body knows how to heal itself and release trauma. Your body consciousness will not ask you to do any more at any given time than you can manage. Your task is to access this inner awareness, but in the knowledge that it is there.

And that is not all. I have been identifying and targeting some deep-seated issues. You know - the ones you have to tackle or you just can’t move forwards. And it’s as if the universe was just waiting for me to identify these underlying causes instead of picking off symptoms. The healing has been so profound and rapid that I’m sure that I'll be sharing this with others in due course. You can only really share what you have healed in yourself, and this healing goes very deep.

So what am I saying? Go within. Let your soul, your body consciousness teach you. Feel into the areas of tension and resistance and really listen, but not with your mind. Equally, listen to what feels peaceful, and good. Practise tantra with yourself - sit quietly in a state of acceptance and compassion. Feel loved. And then see what bubbles up. If you are in tension with your mind, or a belief adopted by your mind, you will know which part to let go of, and which to keep. Your power is within you. Your soul knows its way home. Can you trust it to take you through?


Find out about Body Wisdom Training here
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​I have been taught not to trust ecstasy.
That ecstasy cannot be my teacher.
That ecstasy is in conflict with what is good and moral.
That it is selfish.
That it is lust.
That it is temporary.
That it is unruly and unreliable.
That it is not social.
That it is not compatible with a good life, an ordered life.
I have not been taught that ecstasy is something to aspire to.
If you experience it, fine, but it’s not the be all and end all.
Always limit it.
Only in specific circumstances.
Only in private.

I have been taught to be suspicious of ‘experience’ in spiritual contexts.
‘Charismatic’ always comes with a warning.
Nothing in my spiritual experience taught me that ecstasy was a goal.
There were surely warnings about letting go, being taken in, trusting the wrong teachings, trusting the wrong guru, suspicions of trance like states (samadhi) and being possessed by demons or negative energies.
Some saints experienced it, perhaps, but it was often touch and go whether to burn or beatify.

And as a woman, what is the messaging? Don’t enjoy your sexuality for yourself. Like ever. Or submit to condemnation in some form. The fewer partners the better. Not before marriage. But when with your ‘ok’ partner, make sure you look as if you’re having a good time. You are a failure if not. We don’t let women own sex. They are too often first introduced to sex on the back foot, forced into either a defensive or ‘pleasing’ position, and will spend x amount of years re-discovering it in a way that includes their wisdom. 

Why are we shutting ourselves off from ecstasy with SO much unconscious intention? 
On some level we know that once we’ve experienced true sacred ecstasy, we are finished as a limited being. There is no going back once transcendent states have been experienced. We cannot be controlled and made to dance to another’s tune once we have accessed our inner knowing. Even if we are momentarily swayed, we just know and can reconnect with that sense of communion. We know which ‘rules’ bring us closer to that, and which push us away. Ecstasy comes with a big fat happy warning of too much freedom.
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No wonder why it is so elusive.