I’ve been working through a lot of issues of victimhood that I didn’t know I had. I started to realise that in the regime the guru guided me to, he wants the victim well and truly knocked out of me. It’s like bootcamp. I’ve never done everything on the list before, all at the SAME TIME. One by one I’ve come off all of my stimulants : coffee, then black tea, then green tea. I haven’t had a drink in several weeks. Sugar went by the wayside. I started a fitness regime. I started taking all my supplements religiously. I started cleaning my house top to bottom, sorting and deep cleaning.
Even though I’m not done yet, I’ve been able to make certain observations along the way.
When I gave something up, I felt like a victim.
The guru banned me from fasting for a time, saying he wanted me to nourish myself. I felt as if I was force feeding, and cue feeling like a victim.
I was told to fast again. I found myself feeling like a victim.
The guru told me to join a choir. I joined two.
They are great. Uplifting, balancing, bonding, but part of me felt like a victim as I am now so busy I don’t know where to look.
The guru said that’s how he wanted me: busy, so that I didn’t have time to think.
I still had time to feel like a victim.
This is not about poor me. I am having a great time, and my sense of assurance is increasing with each week that passes, but this is about the bits in between. Someone doesn’t acknowledge me, I feel like a victim. I learn to love my daughters more deeply and instead of enjoying it, I start worrying more about their wellbeing = victim.
Someone else is down or having a hard time...I’m an empath so part of me feels like a victim.
If you don’t like my social post, I’ll feel like a victim. If too many of you do I’ll also make myself a victim.
When I studied Health Kinesiology a few years back, I came across an energy correction called ‘being / not being’. These corrections deal with the phenomenon of people not being able to find a state which is safe for them. For example ‘being angry’ is stressful, and ‘not being angry’ is also stressful. ‘Being healthy’ is stressful and ‘not being healthy’ is also stressful. It’s very common. If you are stressed, on some level you are being a victim. There is more than one way to tackle just about anything, but it makes you think, doesn’t it? You are overweight and take action to reduce it, then suddenly everyone around you without fail is concerned you will ‘overdo it’. Where can you find your balance if you are not ‘safe’ anywhere?
When I empower, none of this happens. It is like flicking a switch. Nothing has changed in my life, but ‘too busy’ becomes ‘abundant’. ‘Demanding’ people become people I can serve and empower. ‘Annoying’ people become people with whom I can guide, teach or share wisdom. ‘Threatening’ people become people with whom I can co-create. I find my quiet in my centre.
The ‘victim’ is getting really boring. I don’t like false deadlines, yet I have given myself until the end of the year to finish off all the half-finished jobs I’ve started, even if I have to stay up half the night. The uplift will be worth it. Osho defines karma as incompleted action, and when I first read that some years ago, I wasn’t entirely sure I could relate. But now, yes.
I still need to be at ONE with my humanity and limitations. Nothing is ever done. There will always be something undone, so it’s a balance between taking control, and surrendering to the moment and how things are, in itself a form of completion.
How to find this balance?
For me it’s about listening to the moment, feeling it in the body, feet on the ground and energising. Not trying to be in the future where the job is ‘done’, but enjoying the DOING as an act of BEING. This is completion. This is grace and peace and gratitude and all the good things. In this state I float effortlessly from one task to the next knowing that I’ll be empowered to deal effectively with it.
I like this place. I hope the 'victim' is listening.
You’re Welcome 😎
In case you haven’t yet had the pleasure, that’s a song from the Disney movie, Moana.
The Demi-god, Maui, has a tattoo telling the story of every feat he’s achieved for mankind. It’s a kind of a send-up, he’s a bit ‘entitled’, but I picked this up, because I wanted to go deeply into this question: how do we really get stuff done around here?
About three years ago when my beloved friends upstairs started working with me, I was discussing a book I’d read with them, and they started laughing. I asked, what is so funny, let me in on the joke, and they said, it’s funny because you wrote it. And no, I didn’t actually put pen to paper and write it, but, you know, you’re welcome. It had my vibe in it. So after momentary puzzlement I caught on, and said, ok, if I wrote that, this other series is definitely me. Bingo! I thought of another, they said ‘no’, but again laughing - it’s someone you know... I looked at the tone, it was a little bleaker, darker. After a few days of going through every person I’d ever met, I had it. You’re welcome on her behalf.
What I’m trying to say is, there are soul families, and higher selves, and when you start to identify with that higher self, become that, just as you become that ‘I AM’, you start to see your influence, feel influence passing through your consciousness.
Sometimes I hear the line of a poem, or a piece of wisdom in my head, and I think - wow, that sounds good. Is it mine? And I have to google it, to check whether it’s someone else’s quote or not before I use it.
The question is, how much does it matter? The ego wants to claim credit, to be recognised, and it is right in my opinion to give credit to the instrument, the channel, as long as the source is also recognised. But it is getting busy down here. I can’t speak for you, but there is a lot of ‘me’ around. And if you don’t see yourself as me (yet), then who? There is a quote I like from A Course in Miracles:
"If you want to be like me, I will help you, knowing we are alike. If you want to be different, I will wait until you change your mind.’’
At what point do we stop thinking of ourselves as individuals, and start really understanding what it means to be a collective? One ME, many faces.
So, another example. As you know if you follow football, or perhaps even if you don’t, this year was the World Cup. Just before it started, I was musing telepathically to a guy over there in a different part of the world, that England can never seem to win a penalty shoot out. He’s interested in sport, unlike me, and also in clearing karma. And I just wondered at him, what it would take to clear that kind of karma - not just that of the team itself, but the expectations and attachment of the whole nation watching, and the history of failure, and were we ready to clear it? And I didn't really think any more of it. And then, of course, England did win against Colombia, the first penalty shootout win at a World Cup, ever.
(Just kidding - it was probably the other guy).
But it shows, we are only just beginning to learn about the real possibilities of conscious co-creation.
Did I just pick up on the healing passing through, or did I become part of that instrument? I don’t even expect the person I was talking to to be conscious of our little ‘chat’, but if I flagged it to him he might, just as I was when my guides mentioned the book. I’m not dismissing the team, the coach, the training of course, but who else had a hand in it that neither of us is aware of?
I speak to a lot of teachers and gurus on the airwaves. I thank them for their wisdoms. I make observations, suggestions. They make them back. Healings have come spontaneously through me and vice versa. I see some of my suggestions being put into action by them, even though we’ve never spoken in person. Sometimes I need to pinch myself, it’s so startling and quick.
And you’re welcome.
So we come back to our question again, how do we really get stuff done around here?
I guess it’s all about who you know....
I mean, we have a sky-full of ascended masters up there, each with their own specialisms, spiritual offices and areas of authority. Each of those has probably got a whole family of themselves down here right now, with varying degrees of actualisation. The more they actualise, the more in line with the higher self you’d expect them to be. Channeling books, therapies, healing, grid work....is there any essential difference between me ‘up there’, and me down here? Sooner or later, the channel becomes one with the master, and the master merges into the ONE.
It’s always a co-creation. Some people will accuse you of ego if you start to say things like this, but actually, ask yourself the question - is it more damaging to your little self, your identity, to say ‘thank you’, or ‘you’re welcome’? Play with it. Both are necessary, and both are fun, and both are essentially the same.
On the flip side, the human psyche often resists acknowledging where an idea has come from.
Steve Jobs was apparently notorious for this - resisting other people’s ideas, then claiming them as his own.
First he would hate it, say it’s the worst idea he’d ever heard, then the next week he would back in the office saying, ‘I’ve got this great idea’... and it was someone else's and he had no remembrance at all that it came from them.
I’ve had conversations (out loud), where I’ve said something to someone, and they’ve pushed back against what I’ve said. And then a few weeks later they’ve come back and told me what’s shifted for them, and it’s exactly what I was telling them, and they have no apparent memory of that conversation.
But hey, you’re welcome.
We all learn from each other, but half the time it’s so unconscious, that it doesn’t even register except on a pure energetic level. This is how evolution gets around the ego. Personally I try to be conscious of the deliverer of an idea, even if it’s several with similar themes. Often it’s only as they integrate that I find myself thinking - hmm, I felt resistant to that person’s perspective when I first heard it.
I started this post worrying about claiming too much credit, but now I think it’s definitely time to start claiming some of that back.
Whatever it was, you’re welcome.
I hope you see where I’m coming from.
As promised, we have a brand new playlist!
You know, back in the day I would have made you a mix tape...but this is more portable.
This juicy playlist is called Guilty Pleasures...
It’s designed to be played at full volume with lots of raucous dancing, jumping up and down, singing at the top of your voice. It is perfect for shadow body healing.
When healing the shadow body, guilty pleasures need to be embraced and integrated.
You need to stop holding yourself tightly, keeping yourself ‘together’ and feel expansive.
Give yourself permission to feel childlike and joyful.
Accept your primal nature and any tension you perceive between your enjoyment and your mind.
As with the previous playlist, these songs have been rigorously tested in the Tantra Mataji kitchen and you can be assured that they rate highly on the Ecstasy-O-Meter.
When you’ve got this little lot out of your system, try meditating right after. I bet it will be a good one - you’ll find it much easier to quiet your mind and savour your inner peace.
This is one for the ladies. Gentlemen, you may use it to connect with your feminine energy or understand your woman better.
Girl, you are doing great.
It is not easy being female with no rule book, no guidebook. There is no template for an enlightened female except the mother figure who sits calmly and blesses those around her. How will you integrate your shadow, and become a whole being instead of the half you have been for millennia?
How will you know which bits to choose, and which to let go?
It’s all been repressed, and now it comes out.
Don’t be hard on yourself.
What does it look like when the woman who has come by the path of Wicca reaches divinity? What when the temple priestess dissolves identity and becomes oneness? The dakini? The warrior woman?
Who is going to tell us what it looks like?
We think we have achieved some freedom as women but look how few these years are in human history. Our karma is still screaming at us telling us that we won’t live to tell the tale. Think of it all - the stoning, the ducking, the burning, the consignment to mental asylums. Joan of Arc was condemned for the crime of cross-dressing in the end. She was just wearing trousers....
It’s all still there just lurking under the surface as soon as you begin to deviate from the narrow norm.
Just a generation ago you were meant to suck it up and take Prozac. Sometimes Prozac still seems like the best option for the pain you’re not even supposed to feel, but you do. Because you are not recognised or valued for your feminine brilliance, you are dissuaded from exploring your essence.
There is no template, no precedent, or very few. This is why we are all in love with Frieda Kahlo, why we are creating a scrapbook of others like her, to learn from.
You are a pioneer. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes you will get labelled. You have to deal with the dual ‘blame’ of not being ok all the time AND breaking the mould. Why do you think you can go your own way when your mental or emotional state is not always well?
Come back into the rigid constraints we have created for you.
We care about you.
We know what is best for you.
What you feel is nonsense.
And you silently scream...
Girl, you are doing brilliantly.
You are still alive. You are still breathing. Are you going to beat yourself up for your self management - your coffee, your wine, your other helpers? You know you’ll let them go when you get a better option. You know the yoga class is good for you, walking barefoot on the grass, the dancing, the talking with a soul healing friend. Open yourself more. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, an open wound.
This is your work.
Feeling something is wrong is important work.
Think of yourself as a barometer of how well humanity is doing. Feel into what feels light. Be the change.
No prophet is accepted in his own village, is what they say. Maybe ‘prophet’ feels a little heavy for you, but if you are guiding from your space of feminine wisdom - your feeling, give me a better word.
We need to forgive ourselves for not being ok, for hurting, for being sick. Just because we feel it, and the other half denies it, suppresses feelings, does not mean we, they, are well.
How do we make this less of a burden? If you had a broken leg, how would you treat yourself? If you had the flu? If we are happy to admit on a personal level that we are sick, and that this is not failure, we will open the way to allowing the masculine energy to let go.
It’s not weak.
It’s not failure.
Take his hand. He can let go of some of that control. We can show him how to trust. We can show him the magic with confidence.
Forgive, forgive, forgive.
Angry people need forgiveness. For the limitations of form, of time, of ability, for being in dis-ease, for feeling cut off from what is sacred, for not being in love.
Girl, you are doing great. It’s ok to have a bad day. We have to allow ourselves to flow with our emotions - around people, around family, around workmates. Find a way to express them, not pretend that we are not really happening. This is the role of the healer, the shakti. We have to be at peace with the feelings of pain and unease, and also find ways of not being overwhelmed by them. We don’t need to identify.
Forgive yourself for being sick. You are carrying the burden of many.
Know when to feel, and when to dive into no-mind and non-judgement.
And allow yourself to heal.
I wrote this letter to myself the other day. It was a challenging day - travelling, a 2.30 am start, many hours more than usual in an airport, many miles covered. This is difficult for a sensitive empath.
I am experimenting with more raw posting. If it doesn't feel right, I may not keep it, so if you find this personally useful or encouraging, please leave a comment :)
I have recently really tapped into the power of Reiki. It is just over three years now since I was first attuned. And not the first energy therapy I have ever practised. But it is the one I’m using now.
They say that the more you use Reiki, the better a channel you become. I believe this is true, but significantly the shifts I have noticed recently are based upon understanding, letting the Rei Ki teach me how best to use it, and how to really step into its power. Not just using techhniques because I’ve been told they are useful, but being guided to pick exactly the right technique and know simultaneously that it will work. It’s not that nothing was happening before - I would not be without my Reiki for nourishing, balancing, relaxing, and healing of many issues has taken place over time, it’s just that it often felt as if I was nursing issues along, taking the edge off but not really getting to the bottom of the issue. I wasn’t even sure if Reiki was the right tool for this.
Lately I have started using it slightly less, but more consciously, and increasingly only when I know it is targeted where I need it. I have been listening to my body, going deep within myself, and realising I can manifest what I need from there in terms of healing.
Recently for one slightly daft example, I asked my body what it needs right now, and a packet of chia seeds came to view. I had just left for 3 weeks hols to Turkey where to my knowledge, chia had not yet taken off. So instead of worrying about it, I laughed and said well if you need chia seeds you’ll have to manifest some in your direction, because I’m not going to think about it. Shortly after, I remembered that I had brought some coconut snacks with me in the suitcase, and indeed, they had chia seeds added. Is that enough chia I asked? The next day at breakfast I reached for the gluten-free wraps that I’d brought along. Without realising, I had bought the seeded version which also includes chia. A day later we visit the supermarket and I find there are two brands of chia seeds to choose from in huge packets. More chia than I know what to do with. I should just be quiet...
So this is not really about chia seeds, but about me teaching myself not to stress over things that I think I need. If a voice out there, no matter who this is, however much you respect them, tells you to do something, or that this or that is the best, or if you are in your rational mind which has taken any of this in, you will not be in your power unless this resonates deeply with your inner knowing. If you go deep within, the requirement, the ‘what we are working on next’, the ‘do this now to achieve ....’, is effortless. If you get your mind out of the way, it happens. The need and the having are the same thing #askanditshallbegiven.
Your body knows how to do tantra. It doesn’t need any lessons. It knows exactly what to do for your current healing. Even if it’s one simple thing. It’s the one simple thing you need to do until you get another impulse bubbling up. Your body knows how to do yoga. I have experienced my body making postural adjustments from a deep meditative state of body consciousness. Your body knows how to heal itself and release trauma. Your body consciousness will not ask you to do any more at any given time than you can manage. Your task is to access this inner awareness, but in the knowledge that it is there.
And that is not all. I have been identifying and targeting some deep-seated issues. You know - the ones you have to tackle or you just can’t move forwards. And it’s as if the universe was just waiting for me to identify these underlying causes instead of picking off symptoms. The healing has been so profound and rapid that I’m sure that I'll be sharing this with others in due course. You can only really share what you have healed in yourself, and this healing goes very deep.
So what am I saying? Go within. Let your soul, your body consciousness teach you. Feel into the areas of tension and resistance and really listen, but not with your mind. Equally, listen to what feels peaceful, and good. Practise tantra with yourself - sit quietly in a state of acceptance and compassion. Feel loved. And then see what bubbles up. If you are in tension with your mind, or a belief adopted by your mind, you will know which part to let go of, and which to keep. Your power is within you. Your soul knows its way home. Can you trust it to take you through?
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