and some of the best advice I ever had....

I'll admit it. I'm finding it difficult to be 'out there' balancing my inner authenticity with awareness of others' perspectives. I'm one of those perfectionists who hates criticism, but you know, this is exactly why I'm here doing this. It's something I need to get over.

How much of this is gendered? As a woman, speaking with authority is something that must be learned. Do so many women ‘channel’ because it’s easier than owning it as coming from them? A man is more likely to claim it: I AM.

I am getting tired of being too careful. Afraid of getting things wrong. I have absorbed a lot of trauma over the years from spiritual paranoia and fear of getting things wrong. How dasterdly is the punishment or consequence (same difference) for getting stuff wrong in this or that belief system? How do they conflict with each other, agreeing only in how much fear they engender? How about I trust my journey and my impulses and trust the ONE who carries me through it all?
 
​I am sometimes impetuous, trying to unstifle, break down barriers, I try things, I test things over and over from all different angles. I am trying to find the highest version of me. I don’t want to be too cautious. Some of the greatest blessings and truths I stumbled upon by letting my guard down, by breaking rules, by being ‘spiritually incorrect’ but embodying extreme compassion.

To me this is the essence of tantra - taking the profane, the everyday and making it sacred. Using what you need to get yourself to the next stage. To keep the story moving. To own your journey, your process and weave all the threads into a beautiful pattern. If you have not woven these threads, you will simply not have much capacity for ecstasy. You won’t have developed those energy pathways. You will have one or two threads to play with, a couple of notes instead of a symphony.  The key is to remain conscious and compassionate throughout everything you do. To shine the light rather than try to wrestle with demons.

We need to own our shadow bodies. Integrate them fully. Without this, we are only half alive no matter how peaceful we are and how well we have suppressed them. Our shadow bodies contain the key to our greatest potential, our divine selves. We need to allow ourselves to be angry, to break down barriers, to try things out without fear of getting it wrong. We need to look our more primal traits in the eye and accept them as part of ourselves while opening to the highest manifestation of these. We need to accept and honour our desires as things which do not originate from us, but as winds passing through. Take the role of the observer of these and choose whether to act on them without identifying. Do they originate from our most conscious place? Can we invite in a more conscious desire? 

My shadow body is a genius at trying to keep me ‘in my place’. But I am getting smarter. Any time I do anything to push my boundaries to invite more unity, wonder and higher understanding it will scream as I integrate more of myself into operation. I am in a permanent place of discomfort as I open to more of myself.

Tantra Mataji is helping me find my truest alignment. I write some posts and then am led further on, to a higher understanding. I ask myself if I should edit/delete those posts or let them stand as a testament to the journey. So far, I have been doing a bit of both. When I start to feel uneasy about particular pieces of content, I have to ask - am I really testing my ‘now’, the new perspective I have, or am I falling back into self-doubt? How does it look in the perspective that allows all with compassionate understanding, that absolves all?


This is the question that I asked a couple of years ago when I first caught sight of the inner me that was trying to get out. 


Am I going to keep punishing myself
for being my true self
even if it's not perfect
It's mischief
polemical, challenging
it sometimes can't resist a prod
It's passionate or it's not there at all
It feels spitting fury
that blows over to calm
Do I constantly need to worry
what others will think of me
that their reactions will come back at me
that I shouldn't provoke
shouldn't pick a fight
I might be thought cocky
called flirtatious
observed too closely
I can't stand up to that much scrutiny
What's the answer?

It's still a work in progress, although plenty has been made....

But look at the beautiful advice I got straight back afterwards:

Make yourself beautiful
God loves you
is in all
Opposites attract
even unseeing
snaking between you
Babaji admires you
What is wrong with cocky or flirtatious?
None of these will stick on you
Humble is your true flavour
Allow flickers of pride
They will subside
Actions done in love
even if mistaken
will awaken what needs to be awakened
People make fun
it is only ego that is untamed
You should not be ashamed
of taunting it
You are not careful
It is not your way
Blunt speak
raw verse
honesty in all
This is beautiful
Anger suits you
Don't repress it
You are not even tempered
happy-go-lucky
You are free
This is the way it should be
Anger will fade
love will overcome
pain will cease
I love you

-Babaji


I find myself wanting to be more playful, less serious, less careful, more flowing and expressive, and more than anything, more compassionate to myself and others.

Don't sweat it.

Hold on to love and let the rest fall away.

Let's be like children, and let's PLAY.

I am mama
and child
I call for baba
while called
your beloved
but daughter?
It's fine
that I don't
get this
and I'm calmly
losing
my mind
Your mother
when you suffer
sister-friend
to take you down 
brother
with the others
defender to
the end
You always 
have an answer
and it's
different
every time
Who am I?
Who are you?
Who are we
not?
The ‘I’ is
confused
but I AM
loved
and that
is all the 
explanation 
available 
at this time



My reality. Just me.

If I AM ok, but you are not, what difference does it make who is who?

Divine confusion.

Which part of the whole of humanity did you pick up when they were giving out slices of karma? Your concept of 'self' is a part of that karma too.

Hmm, this looks interesting,
I'll explore what happens when.....
Oops. 

Did the game you were playing collide with someone else's?
Can you hear the cosmic laughter?

WE are looking pretty funny. And we are looking pretty awesome. And cute. 

We are the sweetheart - mischievous angels.
How many lovers can we hustle?

What happens if we melt all the parts of ourselves together, take little leaps of faith towards each other? How many 'serious' players can we wrestle to the ground in a heap of giggles?

We might have to get closer. It might feel more intimate than we're used to. 
It might start to look a little like ecstasy.


I am the breeze that plays about your lips
You kiss me back
Softly your essence gives itself up to me:
tender, treacly pleasure
Butterflies lightly meeting in the air
circling apart, then touching
Undisclosed, beaming joy
provoking bubbles of inner laughter
feeling each other this intimately
a startling, delicate delight