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Tantra Mataji

​confidence - freedom - passion

Abundance

1/27/2018

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There is a lot of chatter about 'abundance' these days on the airwaves. A lot of talk about removing blockages to  this abundance. What they are usually talking about is financial 'success' aka performance, and often a successful romantic relationship. If you're really lucky you'll meet your 'twin flame'...

The trouble is, these desires are mostly a result of projection, and therefore lack. You want these things to compensate for what you don't currently have as a permanent state.


Try thinking about abundance in a different way. How much bliss do you experience when you meditate? How many layers of appreciation do you feel when you listen to a piece of music or watch a movie? How deeply into your own body can you go and how much of the universe can you find there? How many nerve endings are activated when you interact with another who is not your lover. How much self-compassion do you have?

When you start to truly have abundance in this inner way, you could choose to live in a cave and feel as if you have the whole world.

For me, abundance is characterised by a pomegranate seed. It's a little red, juicy jewel in which you can find everything. Try looking at one with appreciation. When I was teaching myself this, I spent some time clocking little 'jewels' that I found in my life, and endowing them with appreciation, collecting them like trinkets - gifts to me from the Beloved.

It's a good practice - how much 'juice' can you squeeze out of a little pleasure? Can you find pleasure in something you would normally resist? Make it into a game.

When abundance really happens, it would be unusual for your external circumstances to not reflect this. But that's not why you do it, because a critical aspect of this is surrender and letting go. You let go of your performance-led goals, and start living like a poet or an artist. Celebrate your own creativity in any way that pleases you. If you treat yourself with something nice, do it in full consciousness out of self-compassion and make sure you enjoy every drop. Re-define abundance, and it will be more likely to work with you.


I wrote a poem about these jewels of abundance a while back.
Always a good reminder.....




Jewels that I find:
Shining pomegranate seeds
Raspberry-laden bush
Sweet watermelon
French fancies, battenburg and Swiss roll
Our love in these
Abundantly smiling
Like rubies and pearls
Shared moments of laughter
Sparkling rosé
Glasses clinking and tinkling
You make me coffee
And I kiss you





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Today I'm listening to....

1/27/2018

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You might think these two videos don't belong in the same playlist, but I like to mix things up when I'm playing on YouTube. 

The first video is pretty mix-y already, but I've thrown in some Diana Ross for good measure. 

I discovered this version of the Naat Sharif for the first time today, and it's rather beautiful and haunting. 

You find out a lot about yourself when you do this. How does it make you feel to listen to each of these? What about in quick succession? Do they belong together or not?

Is your mind trying to come to an opinion or judgement so that you can neatly file your reaction? Can you let your mind relax and absorb the totality of both? Which of the videos makes you feel more? 

Is either of them ringing your bell today?

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Shivoham

1/21/2018

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You might be wondering why my writing is on the provocative side. Well the thing is, if you don't poke something, you don't see what it's made of. You won't find what unconscious beliefs are lurking unchallenged. You won't see what words and definitions spring to mind when someone's taken aback. If you cause a reaction, at least you have a starting point - you've seen where you stand. If not, a lot of lip service gets paid and no one makes any progress.

How many faces of the divine feminine are there? We are beginning to rediscover these widely now through timeless archetypes of the 'goddess'. But how many faces of the feminine are actually allowed to be without attracting censure? You will find that when a woman puts her head above the parapet, she will immediately attract one or more 'definitions'. She may initially even like some of these definitions as they sound quite 'cool', but over time she'll find that they are essentially reductive. They are used to categorise and say, 'I don't have to engage with you fully as a serious being'. 'I know what you are - see I've got a name for it'. This occurs everywhere in our culture, you only need to look at the media to see. It's particularly prevalent in spirituality, where there is an unconscious culture of either the path of an 'aesthetic' or 'respectability'. It's very dualistic, which is what enlightenment purports to take you beyond, yet you see beings who really ought to know better still using stereotypes which are of no help to real women.

Ladies, you are allowed to be female in all its guises, but you are also allowed to be not simply female: a whole being. You are allowed to play with many archetypes, and you're allowed to put them down. You are allowed to draw upon your positive male energy as and when required. You're allowed to be a mother, and you're also allowed to be something other.

This is a long-y, but it's not boring.....


This is not my name
And this is not me either
Neither one nor the other
Nor anything in between
You can't catch me like that
With a label, with a small love...
I dared to love and be dauntless
And you called me a goddess
You fell for me also
So you feared I'm a witch
I'm adept in a temple
So perhaps it's a priestess
I have children at home
Now relax - I'm a mother
But here comes the clincher:
I embrace you as lover...
I think you'll find
All sorts of names for me now?
You moved me
You touched me
You fired my divinity
You wanted me
Felt the flame
Of innocent purity
And as it turns out
I'm not brahmacharyi
Your expectations
Are impossibly low
Your responses
Incomprehensibly slow
Is your maya so great
That you can't let go?
If I quote a few scriptures
You can call me a scholar
Then I'll write a few lines
And a mystic will be
How about
You give the lines to me?
I have some words
You can use:
Lioness, leader,
Razor-sharp mind
Gun-toting, sharp shooting
Kind
Generous, loving
Forgiving, chastising
Delivering
Lover of wine
Guru, disciple
Ambivalent everything
Devoted, triumphing
Shy
Total, unwavering
Trusting, surrendered
Brutal
From time to time
Naked and soft
Susceptible to loving
Mover of energy
Divine
I am Shiva and Shakti
Left handed and right
Scales in balance
But by you undefined
As hero and maiden
I'll slay you a dragon
Then chain myself up
And wait while you find me
Don't try to contain me
To own me with words
To you I will not be bound
This is my name
The nameless ONE
So take your angel and your Devi
And your devotee and your nun
And your good wife and your harlot
And unite them into none
Let me be empty
Let me be loving
Let me be free
To respond to the truth
To the love in you
To the joy of infinity
This is ME



(Funny thing is, I don't think I read Shivoham by Adi Shankaracharya until after I'd written this. If you don't know it, here's a link with translation). You know what they say:
​
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(Knowledge breaks the chains of slavery)
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More than I can bear

1/19/2018

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​This poem was inspired by two great men - Shams of Tabriz and Rumi. Now there was a love story! Before they met, Rumi was a respected Islamic scholar and cleric. After meeting Shams, his spiritual mentor, he transformed into possibly the greatest poet of all time. At some point, Shams disappeared from Rumi's life in mysterious circumstances (which are greatly debated). Throughout his life, however, Rumi attributed more and more of his poetry to Shams, finding him within himself.


This may be a bit deep, but why do we have more than one of us in this life?

I believe it's so we can admire the good in each other, the awesome qualities which are difficult to see in ourselves. We get to experience what 'we' look like wearing different clothes.

Can you look into the eyes of another and see your own soul?

Can you strip your own masks away to be that other?

​The experience is very real, very feeling, very love...
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Ode to the female

1/15/2018

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Just for fun: how many famous femmes can you name check in this poem (there are ten to find in all). 
​
This one is from shakti, in her many forms, to the divine masculine.

I wavered on one of the words when I was writing, but have settled for the less mischievous option here. If you spot it, and want to swap it - make it your own....

There are many aspects of the feminine to embrace, if only as potentialities. Not all of them are pretty, but they can all be awesome. If we repress and deny, we will only make our shadow body more powerful. If we find something we don't find 'acceptable' inside us, what can we do with it? What higher use can we put it to? Who is judging it as 'good' or 'bad' in the first place?  

Fiddle dee dee
So what if I'm bad?
What if
I get goosepimply
All over
Would you come up sometime
And be pleased to see me?
Like a prayer
I'll whisper to you softly
To justify my love for you
Would you meet me on a train
Cross country?
And will you trust this dark, dark horse
Who has a taste for
Bad romance?
Acknowledge me:
Don't make me your
Enemy
I'm better than your wildest dreams
Chinnamasta yoni veda 
I don't have all the answers
But I sing because I have a song
If I drown my sorrows
Please forgive
I love you more
Than
My own skin


​
​
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Quite a lot

1/14/2018

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​I am Sati
Reborn
I have no
Money
Time
Or fame
Yet with
Singleminded-
ness
That scares me
I am
Making
Myself
Yours
We have
Enough love
To heal
The cosmos
This is all
I have
To work with
And the
Air
I breathe…

Stop!

Turns out
This is quite
A lot


​

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The disco room

1/14/2018

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​I'm having a Pointer Sisters moment. So much great shakti energy. If I ever have an ashram, it's going to have a disco room where you can go and boogie 24/7. 
A big spa pool with turquoise waters and a waterfall. 
A quiet room with walls covered in inspirational quotes. 
Lots of green grass.

But I'll start with the disco room :)

Anyone coming?​
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Not being

1/10/2018

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Being is exhausting. Spending all day holding together your self-constructed identity will tire you out.
How about letting go?
The ego will never manage to overcome the problem that it simply doesn't exist. But it will keep you wretched trying.
Not being on the other hand is easy. You don't have to work at it.
Relax and let the cosmos breathe through your nothingness.
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Mataji

1/9/2018

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There has been a false widow spider just outside my backdoor for a few months now (I looked it up - she has the markings). I keep looking at her wondering how long spiders live, and 'urgh she's still there' every time I pass. She only comes out at night. 
Is she going to get 'dealt with'?
Not sure.
In the meantime, I'm trying to quell my natural repulsion. I say 'Hi, Mataji!' when I go past, swiftly followed by 'Don't you have any babies'.
Really, why am I scared of other 'me's ? How do I bring myself to a point where they present no threat?
​What part of me that I'm scared of does she represent?
What can she teach me?
In the meantime, I wrote her an ode...
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Eight jointed 
Limbs
Move so delicate
Precisely
Mataji matter-of-factly
As hunter
Weaving her moment
Holding me in icy
Rapture
The mother
Devouring her own
In a humorous gulp
Sharing the love-play
At this beautiful killer 
Tickling me
With her self-contained
Power
What did we create
And why?
Darkly female
This is me
In this and her
Petrified 
By my poison
And fangs
Scapegoating
The terror
To an innocent spider
Mataji
Crackling with the mystery
Of love and fear
Tingling my limbs
With crawling memories
Feeling the pin-sharp
Encounter
You made her
Accept it
She is you
In lightness
Dissolve fear 
Into oneness
And watch her
Creator
Beholder, beheld
In love 
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Don't try to sell me tantra with sex!

1/7/2018

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I have been been getting increasingly aggravated by adverts for workshops teaching the physical aspect of tantra. There has been a whole lot of not signing up on my part. They leave me uneasy. Recently, the penny dropped - its all about the integrity of approach... Perhaps if I knew nothing, it would be different, but there is an inherent tension between my inner knowing and experience, and what I see in these adverts. Nothing has spoken to my soul.

If I see a stock photo of a glamorous-looking couple, or a sultry female model used to promote what they are teaching, before I've even read anything I am in a state of tension. Tantra is about relaxing and accepting who you are, going within, and here someone is getting me to look at someone else (looking outside myself) in order to sign up to their stuff. We already know what 'selling sex' looks like - it's all around us all the time teaching us to be consumers. And then, here it is again somewhere it shouldn't be.

Tantra with a partner is about relaxation, allowance, not having to 'perform' or achieve anything, total compassion for self and ones partner, acceptance, a state of childlike innocence, playfulness, devotion.

Being naked? Yes, but in the metaphorical sense, of removing your masks, going back to that Garden of Eden state of innocence, of feeling it's the first time every time.

So, if someone tries to sell me tantra by listing the number of different types of orgasm that are possible, they are already trying to sell by pushing subtly into the realms of 'performance'. Comparing my 'performance' to something else and creating a perceived lack. Guess what? My molecules simply aren't responding. Part of me is thinking: 'You were itemising? You must have been really carried away with that experience'.

It's often about the tone: compassion v. aggression. This can be very subtle, but if there is a testimonial saying someone achieved the 'best sex ever', we are uncomfortably in the latter, and to me it's not tantra.

Visually, the tone often looks rather 'adult'. Ranging from burlesque to private sex shop to Moroccan harem. You can do what you like in your own time, but this speaks to me of imposing your own vision, which is the opposite of putting me in touch with my own inner self and allowing something to evolve.

I have one book which includes friendly, innocent, line drawings of a range of different types of couples. The tone throughout is warm and compassionate, take it or leave it, try this or don't, do all of these techniques or just one. It stands out from the crowd, and so far alone, in terms of integrity and the amount of love which oozes out from its pages (message me if you want to have the recommendation).

Why is no one talking about joy? lightness? absolution? Where is the humour? Are you breaking into song, writing poems, spontaneously dancing, creating works of art? Are you allowed to feel a bit daft?

If you can do all of those things, you might convince me that you have something to offer.

If not, I think I can probably manage.
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