If anyone is asking or anyone is listening and in case I have any say in the matter: I choose you I'm certain - or else I wouldn't bother there is enough love around... I don't know the rules or if favourites are allowed but if I can have one I choose you. Parvati has spoken and, if you ask me she looks like a girl who knows what she wants who eventually gets her way So, for the record I choose you. I haven't lived on leaves and air but feeling the fire of tapasya my substance has become vapour Meet me on Mount Kailash and I'll choose you
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It's not me, it's you. Let's call this delegation. This is counter to most streams of thought which tell you that anything you perceive in anyone else is a reflection of something in yourself. So you do your own work and see what shifts. But then you get to a point where this is your own work. Because if you can feel it, you need to call it. Maybe not out loud, but firmly and silently. Because the bigger you become, the more you can feel other people and their stuff. Or they'll unconsciously try to project it onto you. And if you feel bad about seeing negativity in others you'll end up sucking it up. You need to call it. You need to give it a name. Pretending it's not there is not loving. And when you do, don't allow yourself to feel bad or guilty. Demons go for the jugular every time so you need to be tough. They will say: 'you don't understand me or what I've been through', 'I'm being nice', 'I'm just worried about you', 'you are not so perfect yourself' etc. etc. All these things sound reasonable, play to your compassion, and are designed to get you to back off so that you'll leave them alone to be small. It takes practice, but if you do this your relationship with the real person you care about will improve and more love will flow between you. It's actually an act of trust in the other person - you don't need to rescue them from seeing what needs to be seen and correcting it. It's not me, it's you. Because it puts you back in touch with who you are, standing firm in your inner light. This is work in progress. I'm an empathic healer which makes this really tricky so I have been finding rage useful. Allowing rage helps to integrate the shadow body and it's not the same as anger at all. Anger is more superficial, reactive and based in the ego and its attendant emotions. Rage is a much purer cleansing power which bubbles up from your belly in the same way laughter does. Rage is loving, and should leave you feeling light and joyful. It can even be funny. Here is a selection of four poems around this theme. Rage-y, muscle-the-demon-to-the-ground-y alchemy: this is me, and it's not ok to be aggressive, passive aggressive, cynical, victimised, reductionist, self-righteous, pious, complacent, patronising or accusatory around me. We are all heart-broken, maimed, limbless athletes in the Paralympics. But we can still GO. I am not here to make friends to seek reassurances from you I am not here to blend in I am here to BE to express something new Suddenly it’s not ok for you to deny me to pretend that I’m not real to make me doubt my soul and what I feel It’s not ok for you to humour me to redefine this cynically I hear your demons they are carping at me They want to make me small so that you don’t have to let go But it’s not ok anymore when I look at the work that I’ve done the passion that I’ve shown the truth that I’ve grown to feel your indifference If you try to give me bullshit if you are nice if you try to be understanding show me sympathy or worry but we are feeding your pretense I will grab you by the throat and shake you If you take the moral high ground I will slap you and pull it out from under you It is kinder than the violence this does to my soul If you play the victim I will keep away from you lest you make me your next aggressor I am on my knees at the beauty of this but you are unmoved Where is your fire? You are busy, you are tired... Let me tell you how God is busy Did you not see what happened there in that microscopic moment? how the universe realigned itself to my pretty? Can you do that? Who will give you permission to call the clouds to attention the moon and stars to heel? I want to see the rage in you that burns your self to ashes I am not gossiping with other inmates I am standing at the door and turning the key Will you be free? How much love do you allow yourself to give? This is the only question If you think it is other your arguments are clever But our soul is a simple thing These are the people I see around me: the light beings the hidden masters the real masters. We know life we know love we know how to cooperate to get things done We don't need to look elsewhere We need to look within and laugh and be soft and allow ourselves to melt. Resurrection. It's inside all of us. Labi Siffre is today's guru with this powerful anthem: The higher you build your barriers The taller I become The further you take my rights away The faster I will run You can deny me, you can decide To turn your face away No matter 'cause there's Something inside so strong I know that I can make it Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong You thought that my pride was gone, oh no There's something inside so strong Oh, something inside so strong The more you refuse to hear my voice The louder I will sing You hide behind walls of Jericho Your lies will come tumbling Deny my place in time, you squander wealth that's mine My light will shine so brightly it will blind you Because there's Something inside so strong, strong I know that I can make it Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong You thought that my pride was gone, oh no There's something inside so strong Oh, something inside so strong Brothers and sisters When they insist we're just not good enough Well we know better Just look them in the eyes and say We're gonna do it anyway We're gonna do it anyway There's something inside so strong And I know that I can make it Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong You thought that my pride was gone, oh no There's something inside so strong, oh Something inside so strong Brothers and sisters When they insist we're just not good enough Well we know better Just look them in the eyes and say We're gonna do it anyway We're gonna do it anyway We're gonna do it anyway We're gonna do it anyway Because there's Something inside so strong I know that I can make it Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong You thought that my pride was gone, oh no, oh no There's something inside so strong Something inside so strong I know that I can make it Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong You thought that my pride was gone, oh no, oh no There's something inside so strong I've been wanting to say a little about consecration for a while. This is an enormous topic but if you're serious about your wellbeing and development, a very important one. You can consecrate just about anything - your food, your projects, yourself, but what I am going to talk about now is consecration of your space. This one thing can make a huge difference to your sense of peace, wellbeing and clarity of mind. You might wonder why this is such a big deal, but if an area is under-consecrated, your energy will be lower, the quality of your thoughts will be more negative, and it may be difficult for your family to feel in harmony there. This may not make sense to the rational mind, but everyone knows how much better they feel in harmonious surroundings, such as in nature, or the difference between when you've tidied up before you went to bed, and when you haven't. Think of your living area as being a reflection of your energy (and that of any other people you live with). The macrocosmic mirrors the microcosmic, so if your home is disharmonious, it is likely that your mind lacks harmony. Often people think, 'I will wait until I have more time/energy/things are less chaotic and then I will do it', but the opposite is often true. It may be that the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself is to give your space some love, and this will bring about the desired changes in your world. It means that the space will work for you in your life, providing an area of light for you to grow in. An unconsecrated space can magnify your karma and keep you stuck. If the people you live with are going through problems you may not be able to change them directly, but you can provide a safe space for them which will give them the best chances of working through their issues. If your work is challenging you, you need a sanctuary to return to at the end of the day. If you are going to meditate or take part in other spiritual practice, it is extremely important to clear and consecrate the room in which you do this. It will make your practice progress much more easily and help you to feel more connected as you do. Ideally all spaces in your living area should be consecrated, but in order of priority, look at your communal and sleeping areas, and then if you work, your desk or other areas. So, how to do this? As a first step (and if you only do one thing), de-clutter and tidy. Then de-clutter and tidy some more. Clean (this is a note to self here too over the bank holiday weekend). Feel into the space. What would make it more harmonious? Do you need to move things around? Is anything unsightly? As an aside, it's good practice to keep electronics out of your sleeping area. The most important ingredient in consecration is love. Love the space, enjoy keeping it in a pleasant state. If it helps, think of your efforts as karma yoga, a form of prayer, or devotion. There are many, many practices and objects you can use to consecrate a space, however I am only going to recommend here those which I have found most effective versus their simplicity, practicality and price. 1. Fire - if you have a stove or fire, put it on regularly. If not, or if it's summer, get yourself some candles. There is nothing as purifying as a flame, and it creates an atmosphere which is harmonious on all levels. Most people resonate with candlelight so you are not going to freak out your family, partner or less sensitive housemates. 2. Sacred symbols - for the sake of ease and simplicity - choose a sacred symbol which appeals to you for each room you are consecrating. Easy to find, print and put on a wall. Try to feel into what the space requires rather than imposing something on it. For example, I love the Sri Yantra for it's power and ability to bring on/enhance samadhi, but recently when I was re-consecrating my bedroom, Sri Yantra was not right - despite the fact that I meditate here. The 'right' symbol for this space turned out to be the Om Shanti symbol. If you're not sure or new to this, try one or more out until your room feels attuned. Be prepared to re-evalutate this over time as your needs change. 3. Crystals - by no means a must, but a very simple, easy way to help clear your space and keep the energy attuned to your highest good. As with symbols, experiment with what you are drawn to for a particular room. The bigger the crystal, the more powerful its range. Amethyst is a good all-round choice for purifying energy, and is useful for 'in-between' places - perhaps halls and smaller rooms that you' haven't given the full treatment. Crystals are also good for a child's room as they are tactile and your child can help choose which one they want. Remember to cleanse the crystals when you first receive them in salt water and refresh at intervals thereafter. 4. Anything else you've learned: Reiki, tibetan singing bowls, music, scents, holy water, flowers, plants, clever geopathic healing etc. etc. 5. Any of the above will lose their impact if you fail to keep the space uncluttered, fresh and tidy. Your space needs to feel loved, not neglected. Keep your eyes on the ball and continually see this as a work in progress. There are some times when your space will feel more challenged than others and may need extra attention to keep it in alignment. Don't underestimate the importance of consecration. In your list of spiritual practices, this may not be at the top, but you may want to move it higher. It's something I didn't consider so important when I first began my journey, but now I can feel the difference when I move from room to room or if something is out of place. I spend a lot of time in spaces which could be made to work better. Over time, consecration will simply become a way of being, a way of going through life that allows you to slice effortlessly through karma. It's both an art and a science that you'll develop with practice. Start with your home. Today, I’m excited to be introducing...
(drum roll), The Divine Lover bhakti playlist. (You can find it here). Explore consciousness with me through Bhakti yoga... This is the first Tantra Mataji playlist which has come to fruition but there are more to come. These are the result of many years of rigorous testing in my very own kitchen. Each playlist has its own focus, but together they are designed to help you become more alive, more total, experience more love. In order to make the list, each song has to rate very highly on the Ecstasy-o-meter. The blend of artists, lyrics, music, and combination of songs in the list adds a further dimension of complexity. Who do I mean by The Divine Lover? Your sweetheart? Your guru? Your deity? Does it matter? Sufis know God as the Beloved. Jesus offers himself as the Bridegroom. Shiva is a loving husband to Parvati. Krishna is Lover to many. What are these archetypes telling us about our relationship with the Divine? Who or what will point the way to communion with the ONE and Divine Unconditional Love? I am not making any apologies for the song choices (Boyzone warning). There will be some tracks which you don’t immediately like. That is ok. There may be some song transitions that shock you. The goal is to PLAY with the list. If something annoys you, ask yourself which part of you is annoyed. Savour the tracks you do like or which move you. Stop and start and play the ones you like over and over. These are not designed as background music or easy listening. Ideally, if the idea resonates, you will treat this as sadhana and ‘work the list’. Turn up the volume and sing. Dance around. Do it in front of other people. Especially if it’s ‘not you’. ‘Yes, but I don’t really do Bhakti’ I hear you say. Hmm, that’s what I used to think - not a devotional bone in my body. I guess that joke is on me (spontaneously dissolves into puddle). If you are human, you are capable of Bhakti yoga. If your goal is bliss and ecstasy, try it. Paramhansa Yogananda once told a disciple, “Kriya Yoga plus devotion works like mathematics. It cannot fail.” It’s a bonafide path of yoga that works, especially in combination with other practices. And if you’re still hovering, this is not just a simple Bhakti playlist (you can find plenty of those already on offer on YouTube). My mix-y up-y mix tapes are tantricly woven to challenge you a little, activate more energy sub-harmonics, and help you expand into totality. Enjoy. Warning: This post contains fruity content (!) A tale of two lovers...
Imagine this: Our divine couple... Two beloveds, wandering free in the countryside, in the desert, over the sea, have attained sacred union - the eternal inner marriage of hieros gamos. Conjoining, they watched as their essences spiralled round each other, golden, in a double helix, binding them together. Once two, now they are one, communing constantly as a single being in two bodies. Whether together or apart, their energies sing to each other. From their tongues, their energy channels, their love organs - streams of tingling consciousness speaking the mysteries of the universe. They began with wildly different backgrounds, Love is funny like that, but if you asked them now, you would find they have forgotten their starting points. Meeting in the centre they have dissolved their histories, their former selves and opened to the Christ consciousness, the inner soulmate. How old are they? Who can tell? These entwined beings are constantly renewing through the breath of the cosmos that flows between them. Together they have become a love-bomb, dissolving all barriers to Love in their paths. Inspired by the new sensations flowing through them, between each ONE and the Divine, with childlike curiosity they look for new ways to experience more, share more divine communion. What can there be to dislike, to argue with, concerning a love such as theirs? But they have heard rumours, incomprehensible ideas, and it makes them wonder... She takes his hand: My tongue speaks to yours communing like wafer melting into spring and silence So much to say yet no words taking form only rushing like a stream with eager boisterous loving Please be gentle patient What are you saying? This is popping candy deeply throating kissing without touching dissolving your communion with mine Like wafer Like a tongue on pencil sharpener Tingling electric like the stream from your member Can we go to the chapel receive absolution for the love we have with each other? I want to feel it the wafer on my tongue Will it speak to me more or less wiser? Can we go there together and kneel as we offer our tongues to this union? Hold my hand see The priest is on our side No lover of mine is an enemy of devotion Look - we are fine Un-defining moments. What do I mean by these? For me these are moments that really caused me to re-evaluate my view of the world and kick start some internal re-wiring. Defining moments are those you use to shore up your idea of what you are and what you are not in the world. Un-defining moments make the world bigger, force you to throw off pieces of your ‘self’ and find more at-one-ment. I hope we all have some of these. Here is my list. It is not exhaustive and these are not ‘favourite moments’ or ‘time of my life moments’ (although some were that too). For some people these moments would be ‘so what?’ - that’s fine. These are some of the ones that I was fortunate enough to have that made me grow. 1. When I was 13 and went on my first French exchange to Dijon. Tipped off the coach and picked up by my penfriend’s family, we arrived at her home. The garage had automatic gates down to a basement garage. We walked up through a games room to the ground floor where staircases curved up on both sides of the hallway to the second floor landing. My room was the size of my whole upstairs at home. There were so many rooms that I forgot which one was the toilet and had to go in my ensuite shower in the night. In the morning we had breakfast outside (truly exotic - Frosties with yoghurt and raspberries) in the sunshine next to the huge swimming pool. We had pool parties after school. I secretly fell in love with her cousin. One weekend we drove down to their flat in the Alps for a spot of tobogganing, views of Mont Blanc and Raclettes. Hot chocolate and brioche before brioche was a supermarket staple. Bloody meat presented for lunch (just eat it - no one else is dying). Mind blown. 2. First visit to Camden Market as a teenager when my friend’s mum drove us there. I felt as if I’d entered an alternative universe of dreadlocks and joss sticks and other funny smells. Trinkets and memorabilia and tie-dyed clothing. Cue lots of saving of pennies and return visits. Happy days. 3. First term at Cambridge. Getting a ‘D’ in my first piece of Use of French homework and the soulful look from our lecturer. Never knowing the answer in the Russian grammar workshop. Vaguely wondering how other people did but also wondering why it was scheduled at 9.00 the night after the student club night. Busting a gut just trying to keep up. Not being able to define myself by ‘doing well’. 4. Arriving in Beijing on the Trans-Siberian Railway in 1996. (It does something to you to see the same country go past for seven days, the same lake (Baikal) for one whole day.) But specifically, the journey ended one morning at dawn as we pulled into Beijing. The parks we passed were full of older people practising Tai Chi. Before I had any idea what Tai Chi was. Before working out in parks was a thing. Beijing itself, The Great Wall. Wondering if we needed to go home at all. 5. Short and sweet - first night in Istanbul age 20. Being woken at dawn by the call to prayer from the three nearest mosques. (Argh. Do you have to? I like my sleep). Roll on a few (ahem) years. If you can't beat 'em....you marry them (or something). Nowadays when in Turkey I pass my mother-in-law in the dark on the way to the bathroom as she gets up to pray, me to meditate. 6. Living in Russia in the late ‘90s. Different rules. Not worrying about it. 7. Hmmm. Still not sure I want to talk about this. Breaking off an engagement because I fell for someone else. (I guess settling down at 24 was a little optimistic). The genuine horror of not being a ‘good girl’. Trying out the mantle of ‘scarlet woman’. Not being struck by lightning. And finally, most terrifyingly, not being sure why I had wanted to marry the guy I finished with in the first place. 8. Giving birth. Nothing prepared me for the way my body behaved in labour (and yes I did do the class - I'm thorough I did two). My experience was of my body transforming into an enormous pump over which I had little control, designed to expel a wee babe in super quick time. I learned fast that I needed to ham it up to get the midwives to pay me attention. My first daughter was nearly born in a corridor, the second not quite in the toilet. Neither one was ultimately fazed by the experience. Mild trauma and over excitement. 9. Early motherhood. Major identity crisis. Where did ‘I’ go? Who is that puffy face looking back at me in the mirror? Why is the weight not ‘falling off’? My ‘little sister’ is awesome but how do I come to terms with myself as ‘mother’? Am I the only one who feels like this? 10. Babaji. Beginning, middle and end. The ultimate love-hustler. In his presence everything is forgotten. All that matters is the joy that comes with it. Not being. Just love. This is the quote that is keeping me centred right now, from Hindu saint Sri Anandamayi Ma: "Before I came on this earth, Father, 'I was the same'. As a little girl, 'I was the same'. I grew into womanhood, but still 'I was the same'. When the family in which I had been born made arrangements to have this body married, 'I was the same'... And, Father, in front of you now, 'I am the same'. Ever afterward, though the dance of creation change around me in the hall of eternity, 'I shall be the same’.” 'I am the same'. Everything else is illusion. 'Our love affair was a prickly thing I thought you were ugly and cruel But mysterious You enticed me back' This... I was planning another post, but given the current diplomatic crisis between the UK and Russia (and the world), this one feels more timely. As love affairs go, this one's been pretty damn big for me.... Moscow is my Himalayas. I start to breath differently there as soon as the plane hits the tarmac. It's a place to feel more alive. I realise not everyone feels like this. How do you learn to love something which initially seems off-putting? Well, this is the essence of tantra, and Russia has taught it to me well... 'Overcast and austere, you make me glad to be with you Unwelcoming, you embrace my soul Once more I breathe deeply in your feather-heavy air My belly bubbles the buzz none can hear' Often, the things which seem most 'difficult' are the ones most worth the effort. When I first visited Moscow in 1996, I can safely say I was not immediately in love with the place. It was big, dusty, unwelcoming, had horrible red tape, and all the good nightclubs were hidden un-signposted down some back street only to be reached using a hastily hand-drawn map. But there was something.... an excitement, a challenge, a significance, a secret, a promise of more. It is becoming a bit of a theme for me, but if you want to experience ecstasy, you need to embrace complexity - the 'good' and the 'bad'. It is only through transmuting the duality of these that you find genuine unconditionality and passion for life. Those red stars on top of the Kremlin get me every time.... (Also, y'know, Russians are not that difficult to get on with - lots of my favorite, favourite people in this lifetime have been and are Russian). Poetry heals, and here is a poem I wrote in Moscow two years ago in 2016, a whole twenty years after my first visit - celebrating the things that had changed, the things that hadn't, the memories, and the constant new-ness. I hope it goes some way to offering a fresh perspective. Am I old or young? This place tumbles my feelings Heaviness, overwhelm Until I melt into the flow Releasing the years in between Worn like barricades Can I still be one of you? In these spaces so grand I lose myself lightly Mischievous youth So present in every in-breath Every mouthful, every undiminished echo Still delightfully stern and unyielding Now flaunting glamour and poise A new-old presence reinvented again Laughter squeezes Between grid-locked cars Joy bursts out at stony walls A face this serious can only be pretending One tickle and here's a laugh It's flooding back to me I remember how to dance through this Lilac trees invite Tulips entice Red stars in the night Vibrating with stored knowing A constant landmark for our stories Yours, and mine Of course - you were my mentor! Shaping my young years Being the anarchy of aliveness A love of many lifetimes We must know each other well Connecting so deeply Your love-flow flavour Comes spontaneously to my lips I am here, now Dissolving the distance between us In the awe of your embrace I am always young Do we need a song? Hmmmm. Too much choice. I think on this occasion a traditional one... I promised myself a while back, if I ever got a taste of enlightenment, I'd try to describe what it feels like. Because if you're on a path, I think it's helpful to know what you're aiming for. And because despite everything, I didn't really find a good description anywhere, or at least anything that resembled what my experience was like in order to explain it. So my question was, either those doing the talking are missing something, not sharing, or on a different trajectory. Words like 'bliss', 'peace', 'rapture' and 'ecstasy' get flung around, but what does that actually mean? 'Ecstasy' is a word invented by people who don't experience a lot of it, and we just have to make do with inadequate vocabulary. It's my belief that in the higher realms there are probably entire languages devoted to expressing the many flavours, tones, harmonics, subtleties and varieties of love experience. I've been reminded recently how good it actually is. It's: peaceful, passionate, playful, tender, physical, total, dissolving, ecstatic, rapturous, prayerful, blissful, kissful, ravishing, caressing, extinguishing, re-birthing, romantic... And much more (like I said - inadequacy of words) It's not just about chasing inner peace. And I reckon that's worth a bit of inner work and meditation... |
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Tantra Mataji | confidence - freedom - passion |